Most commented jokes: Ouch, page 57

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He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant.
He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.
He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
He knows computers... He's not fit for contact with humans.
He writes blank checks on a closed account.
He'd be in big trouble if his wristwatch broke and he had to
He'd screw up a two-car funeral procession.
He's a General Protection Fault trigger.
He's a man on a mission, but can't find his dossier.
He's diagnosable.
He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
He's not stupid he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
He's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't sink in his head.
Hears everything that a dog can.
Hears more lyrics on records when they're played backwards.
Her access time approaches infinity.
Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas.
Her blender doesn't go past "mix".
Her brain has a corrupted filesystem / someone needs to run fsck on her brain.
Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.
Her cache is incoherent.
Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.
Her dialing thumb must be broken.
Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.
Her files are compressed 100%.
Her head needs a periodic whack on the side.
Her input pipe is broken.
Her interrupt handler hit a loop.
Her leads need resoldering.

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Joke

Her learning curve is fractal.
Her lint trap is full.
Her lists are unlinked.
Her memory is truly random-access.
Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.
Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.
Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply.
Her mind might have spontaneously combusted.
Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod.
Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.
Her objects are not fully oriented.
Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk.
Her random access is the same as her sequential access.
Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now.
Her ski lift doesn't go to the top of the hill.
Her stack has been corrupted.
Her synapses are about |that| far apart.
Her system file has zero bytes.
Her tires are a little low.
Her wipers don't touch the glass.
Her word length is zero bits.
Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.
High relative humidity... He's lost in a fog.
His .sig is long, boring, and stupid, but it's the best part of his postings.
His access light's on, but the drive isn't spinning / is still spinning up.
His accumulator overflows at zero.
His actual mileage varies.
His antenna/radio doesn't pick up all the channels/stations.
His boot block is in a bad sector.
His brackets are mismatched.

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Joke

His brain could be the perfect dielectric.
His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.
His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel.
His buffer is full.
His clutch is slipping.
His data bus stops for red lights.
His deck has no face cards.
His elevator is stuck between floors.
His face is on a coin... On the edge.
His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.
His freelist is empty.
His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct.
His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams
His grey matter is brown / doesn't matter.
His head whistles in a cross wind.
His home planet is flat.
His IQ is a false positive.
His jack can't get the car off the ground.
His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.
His mind is great at error magnification.
His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes.
His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
His mind is write-protected/write-only.
His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.
His mind wandered and never came back.
His motto is: Space, the final frontier.
His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.
His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine."
His page was intentionally left blank.
His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".

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Joke

His pointers are null / uninitialized.
His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
His reaction time is longer than his attention span. -- Thaves
His root file system isn't mounted.
His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
His shared libraries aren't installed.
His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
His spark can't jump the gap.
His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.
His stack's not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack.
His string's aren't null-terminated.
His strip is demagnetized.
His system administrator is never in.
His train tracks aren't quite parallel.
His URL denies outside access.
His watch dog is sleeping.
His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts.
Hitler's evil twin.
Hyperspatially interconnected / permanently disconnected neural net.
Hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken.
I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth.
If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears.
If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a cheerio.
If brains were grains of sand, he couldn't fill a dixie cup.
If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week.
If he donated his brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years.

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Guest

Joke

If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true.
If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.
If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns.
If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy.
If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt.
If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic.
If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously.
If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0.
If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.
If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list.
If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked.
If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now.
If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain.
If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
If you called him a wit, you'd be half right.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
Ignorant, and proud of it.
Immune from any serious head injury.
Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.
In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size.
In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms.
In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, "No, thanks".

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Guest

Joke

In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes, and he asked for "extra thick."
In need of a ROM upgrade.
In serious need of attitude adjustment.
In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us.
Includes a "thank you" note with her tax returns.
Infinite space between her ears.
Informationally deprived.
Inhabits her own private timezone.
Inspected by #13.
Inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."
Intellectually/synaptically challenged.
Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end.
Invented a submarine with a screen door.
IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.
Q lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut.
It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
Just another flash in the bedpan.
Keeps his imagination on a long leash.
Knitting with only one needle.
Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence.
Landing with his gear/brain up and locked.
Leaky sunroof.
Left hand threaded.
Left his booster on the launch pad.
Left the store without all of his groceries.
Leveled off before reaching altitude.
Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.
Lightbulb over his head is burned out.
Lights are on but nobody's home.

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Joke

Lights not burning too bright.
Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top.
Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
Likes dunking for french fries.
Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / jumped the track.
Lives in La-la-land.
Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
Long on dry wall, short on studs.
Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.
Looks for the "Any" key.
Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
Low on thinking gas.
Low-bandwidth as an information source.
Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
Mainspring's wound too tight.
Makes a black hole look bright.
Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good.
Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written.
Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test.
Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
Metronome needs oil.
Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind.
Mind like a steel sieve.
Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice / nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.

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Joke

Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland.
Mooring lines don't reach the dock.
More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.
Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
Needs another brain to make half-wit.
Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
Needs front end alignment.
Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
Network constantly loses packets.
Neurons are firing non-sequentially.
Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum.
Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson
Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
Nine pence in the shilling.
Nine rooms no furniture.
Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
No charge in her synapses.
No coins in the old fountain.
No filter in the coffeemaker.
No grain in the silo.
No hands on the rudder/yoke.
No hay in the loft.
No one at the throttle.
No wind in her mind's windmills.
Not all his dogs are barking.

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Guest

Joke

Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
Not done evolving yet.
Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
Not enough sense to stay out in the rain. (Like a 60's flower child.)
Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight.
Not hard-docked.
Not inflated to 90 PSI.
Not Intel Inside. (Or, given Pentium problems, just: Intel inside.)
Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.
Not only rude, but ugly too.
Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game).
Not running on full thrusters.
Not shooting pool on a level table.
Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree / light in the harbor.
Not the full quid.
Not the same since they took him off his medication.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer / tool in the shed.
Not Turing equivalent.
Not wrapped too tight.
Nothing between the stethoscopes.
Nothing on her radar.
Numb as a post / pounded thumb.
Number 'n a hake. (New England expression a notoriously stupid fish.)
Nutty as a fruitcake.

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Joke

Off by one.
Off his rocker/trolley.
Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.
On permanent leave of absence from his senses.
On the batting end of a no-hitter.
One bit short of a byte/word.
One board short of a porch.
One boot stuck in the sand.
One bumper/rail short of a bank shot.
One bun/donut short of a dozen.
One car short of a chase scene.
One card/marble shy of a full deck.
One chip short of a megabyte.
One clearance short of landing/taking off.
One color short of color-coordinated.
One diamond short of a ring.
One dimension short of reality.
One drool bib short of neat and tidy.
One drop short of an empty bladder.
One flower short of an arrangement.
One flying buttress short of a cathedral.
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
One fruit short of a basket.
One gene short of a full chromosome.
One goose short of a gaggle.
One handle short of a suitcase.
One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
One inspection short of passing.
One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
One miracle wouldn't be enough to help him.

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Ouch — most commented jokes

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Stupid Insults Part 17

Stupid Insults Part 18

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Stupid Insults Part 20

Stupid Insults Part 21

Stupid Insults Part 22