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Stupid Insults Part 3
- A medical mystery.
- A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. -- Tom Waits
- A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel.
- A mind like wet tennis shoes... Makes squishy noises when running.
- A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill
- A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.
- A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
- A notch off the timing mark.
- A one-bit brain with a parity error.
- A pacifist out of necessity in a battle of wits.
- A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
- A prime candidate for natural deselection.
- A quart low.
- A return with no gosub.
- A room temperature IQ.
- A semitone flat on the high notes.
- A square with only three sides.
- A steering wheel / few bolts short of a Yugo.
- A teapot with a cracked lid.
- A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs.
- A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
- A VGA card and a Herc monitor.
- A victim of retroactive birth control.
- A violin minus the bow.
- A walking argument for birth control.
- A wind-up clock without a key.
- About half smart.
- Afraid she'll void her warranty if she thinks too much.
- Airhead / bubble-brain.
- Aliens zapped him with stupidity ray -- twice.
Stupid Insults Part 4
- All booster, no payload.
- All crown, no filling.
- All foam, no beer.
- All hammer, no nail.
- All hat and no cattle.
- All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.
- All his eggs in the same basket.
- All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.
- All icing, no cake.
- All lime and salt, no tequila.
- All missile, no warhead.
- All of his bytes are odd.
- All shot, no powder.
- All the lights don't shine in her marquee.
- All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty / caulking / saran wrap / a bowl of oatmeal / a plastic spoon.
- All wax and no wick.
- Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists.
- Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
- Always loses battles of wits because he's unarmed.
- Always needs to have jokes explained.
- Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
- An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
- An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)
- An Apple //e on UUCP.
- An early example of the Peter Principle.
- An ego like a black hole.
- An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of years with walnut sized brains.
- An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
- An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
- An inch short and a stroke early.
Stupid Insults Part 5
- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
- An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
- Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.
- Answers the door when the phone rings.
- Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac
- As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.
- As bent as a corkscrew.
- As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
- As happy as if he had brains.
- As happy as the village idiot.
- As much use as a back pocket in a vest. (Very English.)
- As much use as a lead parachute.
- As quick as a corpse.
- As rare as a nine bob note. (Very English.)
- As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart.
- As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn
- As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
- As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script.
- As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.
- As thick as champ. (Irish champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)
- As thick as two short planks / two half bricks.
- As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
- Attic's a little dusty.
- Back burners not fully operating.
- Bad spot on the disk.
- Baler done run out of twine.
- Bandwidth limited.
- Barney's his hero.
- Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone.
- Bats in the belfry.
Stupid Insults Part 6
- Batteries not included.
- Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
- Been playing with his wand too much.
- Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
- Been short on oxygen one time too many.
- Been using her head as a mass driver.
- Blew his O-rings.
- Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
- Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head.
- Blown/leaking head gasket.
- Born a day late and like that ever since.
- Born during low tide in the gene pool / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
- Born ugly and built to last.
- Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
- Brain is running on empty.
- Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.
- Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode.
- Brain transplant donor.
- Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.
- Brings binoculars to submarine races.
- Broadcasts static.
- Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.
- Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.
- Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
- Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
- Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet.
- Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
- Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
Stupid Insults Part 7
- Calls people to ask them their phone number.
- Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
- Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.
- Can easily be confused with facts.
- Can only remember her old passwords.
- Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.
- Can't distinguish jacking off and stropping a razor.
- Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.
- Can't program his way out of a for-loop.
- Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
- Carrier wave unmodulated.
- Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
- Cart can't hold all the groceries.
- Cauliflower for brains.
- Changes hands and picks up a stroke.
- Charming as a carbuncle.
- Cheats when filling out opinion polls.
- Cheezwiz for brains.
- Chimney's clogged.
- Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
- Collects cards for Craig.
- Communications with him is limited to ping.
- Confused as a baby in a topless bar.
- Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
- Contributes to collections like this one without searching first to see if their little gem is already listed.
- Contributes to the population problem.
- Could be considered a plant if he developed photrophic motility.
- Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else's eulogy.
- Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.
- Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.
Stupid Insults Part 8
- Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
- Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.
- Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.
- Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
- Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag.
- Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.
- CPU is always in powersave mode.
- CPU not connected to the bus.
- Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
- Cranio-rectally inverted.
- Cunning as a dodo bird.
- Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
- Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
- Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.
- Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.
- Defective hard drive / boot sector.
- Dense as a London fog.
- Diarrhea of the mouth constipation of the ideas.
- Differently clued. -- Dave Clark
- Dock doesn't quite reach the water.
- Does aerobics... in his head.
- Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a hammock.
- Doesn't adjust for leap years.
- Doesn't consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over.
- Doesn't have a round in every chamber.
- Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
- Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard / groceries in the same bag.
- Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.
- Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat.
- Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.
Stupid Insults Part 9
- Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
- Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
- Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
- Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
- Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
- Doesn't just know nothing doesn't even suspect much.
- Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
- Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
- Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
- Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
- Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
- Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
- Downhill skiing in Iowa.
- Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
- Driving at night with the lights off.
- Driving with two wheels in the sand.
- Dropped his second stage too soon.
- Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.
- Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks.
- During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
- Ears are redirected to /dev/null.
- Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
- Echoes between the ears.
- Eight pawns short of a gambit.
- Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse.
- Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.
- Elevator is on the ground floor and he's pushing the Down button.
- End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock
- Enjoys listening to telemarketers.
- Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.
Stupid Insults Part 10
- Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.
- Evidence for the theory of a missing link.
- Failed the Turing test.
- Fell out of the family tree.
- Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.
- Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun / cap gun.
- Finds a flat by swapping tires.
- Finds canonical humor collections amusing.
- Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging.
- Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.
- Fired her retro-rockets a little late.
- Flaky.
- Flat out like a lizard drinking.
- Flying/landing on one engine.
- Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.
- Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.
- Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
- Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids.
- Forgot to pay his brain bill.
- Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.
- Four bits shy of a full DEC.
- Four cents short of a nickel.
- Full of wisdumb.
- Full throttle, dry tank.
- Fur coat and no knickers. (Scottish expression.)
- Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
- Gears grind/don't always mesh.
- Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.
Stupid Insults Part 11
- Gets his orders from another planet.
- Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section.
- Gets parity errors under load.
- Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.
- Goalie for the dart team.
- God might still use him for miracle practice.
- God's favorite target for lightning strikes.
- Goes with the flow... He's a bed wetter.
- Good at quantum tunneling but not much else.
- Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.
- Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
- Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
- Gyros are loose.
- Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves.
- Had a head crash.
- Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain
- Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.
- Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.
- Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.
- Has a bus fault problem.
- Has a few wait states.
- Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
- Has a leak in his ceiling.
- Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
- Has a pulse, but that's about all.
- Has a random memory fault.
- Has a slow clock.
- Has a sparse matrix. (Beware, "matrix" comes from the Latin "womb".)
- Has a two-bit operating system.
Stupid Insults Part 12
- Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
- Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
- Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.
- Has change for a seven dollar bill.
- Has FINO (first in never out) memory.
- Has his brain on cruise control again.
- Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
- Has it floored in neutral.
- Has no discretionary intellect.
- Has no upper stage.
- Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.
- Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
- Has resonance where others have brains.
- Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
- Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like watching tennis
- Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
- Has the brains of a house plant.
- Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
- Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant.
- Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding.
- Has the mental agility of a soap dish.
- Has the personality of a snail on Valium.
- Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle.
- Has two brains one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
- Hasn't caught on that X and Y are relative values.
- Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
- Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
- Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
- He can only type in upper case.
- He can push but he can't pop.
