Situations — best jokes

Did you hear about the Texan who moved to Oklahoma and raised the IQ level of both states?

"How come you're only watering half your lawn?" a perplexed tourist asked a Richmond resident.
"I just heard there was a fifty percent chance of rain."

Henderson bought a new car and, after he left the showroom, decided to catch a movie. When he came out, Henderson noticed he'd locked the car and left the keys in the ignition.

He telephoned the dealer. "Which is the cheapest window to break?" he asked.

"You don't have to break any of the windows," explained the dealer. "I'll come right down with another key and we can open it together."

"No, no!" shouted the new car owner. "I gotta know now! It's about to rain and I wanna put the top up!"

Shingles were loose on Pennock's roof, and he complained about leaks to Barton, his neighbor.

"Why don't you mend the roof?" asked Barton.

"I can't today," Pennock replied. "It's pouring rain."

"Well, why don't you patch it in dry weather."

"It don't leak then!"

Rigby drove into the city with his girl to catch their first play at a theater.

Rigby rushed up to the box office and said, "Gimme two tickets for tonight's show."

"Sorry," said the box office attendant. "There are no seats left. We have only two standing rooms left."

"Well, I'll be hog tied! Only two left in standing room!" said the farm boy. "Are they together?"

- Say, your house is burning.

- That's okay. I got enough lumber in the attic to build a new one.

- Housekeeper: Professor, there's a bill collector at the door. I told him you were out. But he wouldn't believe me.

- Professor: No? Then I suppose I'll have to go and tell him myself.

A stupid man was struggling out of his house with a big table. His neighbor said to him, "Hello, Harry. Where are you going with that then?" And Harry replied, "I'm taking it to the store to have it measured for a new tablecloth."

I can't understand the critics saying that only an idiot would like that television program. I really enjoyed it.

Did you hear about the bear hunter?

Well, he was out hunting for bears one day, and soon came across a large, trophy sized bear. He raised his rifle and took careful aim. Just as he was about to pull the trigger, the bear turned and began to speak to him!

"Isn't it better to talk than to shoot? What do you want? Let's negotiate the matter," said the bear.

Lowering his rifle in shock, the hunter thought a second, and then replied, "I want a fur coat."