Situations — best jokes

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

What did Snow white say when her photos didn't come back from the photo store?
→ "Some day my prints will come!"

What's te definition of a bachelor pad?
→ All the house plants are dead, but there's something growing in the refrigerator.

How many Survivors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One to start screwing it in and the rest to vote 'em off the ladder.

This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket, there were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the seven o'clock race - so I backed the seventh.

- Did it win?

- No, it came seventh.

Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow.
When I woke up my pillow was gone!

Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener?
→ He had a bee in his suit of armour!

After wedding a young couple rented a town house in a large complex.
Concerned about a leak in an upstairs bathroom, young woman called the manager several times, but nothing happened.

Finally her husband reached the manager and, noting the seriousness of the problem, said, "My wife is afraid the bathtub will fall through the kitchen."
"Oh, no," the manager quickly replied. "The bathtub falls through the living room."

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"