Relationships — best jokes

I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won't give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
→ Wiped his ass.

A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde girlfriend sliding down the banister naked. He blurts out, "What do you think you're doing?" "Just heating up dinner" she replies.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
→ Slow down and use a lubricant.

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
→ Phone her.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.
He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy.

"Slow down, baby," she said. "Foreplay is an art."

"You better get your canvas ready soon," he panted, "because I'm about to spill my paint!"

- Gerald: Have you ever come across a man who, at the slightest touch, caused you to thrill and tremble in every fiber of your being?

- Mabel: Yes, the dentist.

- Dentist: There goes the only woman I ever loved.

- Assistant: Why don't you marry her?

- Dentist: I can't afford to. She's my best patient.