Relationships — best jokes

Why did the dentist make a poor date with the manicurist?
→ Because they fought both tooth and nail!

Phoning the florist to order some flowers for her lover's funeral, woman was caught off guard when asked what message she wanted on the card. "Message?" she sputtered.

"Well, I guess, 'You will be missed.'" Visiting the funeral home, she was pleased that her floral tribute had arrived but mortified that the card had her exact words: "I guess you will be missed."

- My dance partner dumped me for my best friend.

- Why? Was he a better dancer?

- Don't know, I never met him.

- I've been invited to an avoidance.

- An avoidance? What's that?

- It's a dance for people who hate each other.

'It's a pity you've gone on hunger strike,' said the convict's girlfriend on visiting day. 'Why?'
'I've put a file in your cake.'

Swint and Fess, two Oklahoma cowboys, were resting their horses out on the range.

"What'd Emmaline give yew for yore birthday?" asked Swint.

"Pair of cufflinks," said Fess. "But I ain't got no use for them. I can't even find anyplace to get my wrists pierced."

A college friend was going to meet a young lady he knew.

"An old flame?" I asked.

He winked and said, "More like an unlit match."

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant! She is furious. Here just became the senator of New York and this has happened to her.
She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen?
With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this!
I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie?
→ He said it was too tight.

Two girls were talking in the corridor.

'That boy over there is getting on my nerves,' said Clarrie.

'But he's not even looking at you,' replied Clara.

'That's what's getting on my nerves,' retorted Clarrie.