Relationships — best jokes

What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?
→ 'Your plaice or mine'!

I was given the ultimatum 3 weeks ago. She said "it's me or your fishing."

Gee I miss her.

Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses.

"Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to do the same."

"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town's Fire Alarm went off ... one jumped up and headed for the door ... his friend shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!"
Tom replied, "I'm not, but my girlfriend's husband is..."

Fred's new girlfriend uses such greasy lipstick that he has to sprinkle his face with sand to get a better grip.

- Boy: You've got a face like a million dollars.

- Girl: Have I really?

- Boy: Yes - it's green and wrinkly.

- Why is your face all scratched?

- My girlfriend said it with flowers.

- How romantic.

- Not really, she hit me round the head with a bunch of thorny roses!

- Boy monster: You've got a face like a million dollars!

- Girl monster: Have I really?

- Boy monster: Yes - it's green and wrinkly!