Political Jokes — best jokes

1. The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan
2. The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan
3. The Koran as read by Sammy Davis Junior
4. The Bible as read by Madeleine Murray O'Hare
5. Walden as read by James Watt
6. The Anarchist's Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky
7. How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman
8. Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes
9. The Godfather as read by John Gotti
10. Mr. Boston's Bar Guide as read by Ted Kennedy
11. Heather has 2 Mommies as read by Jesse Helms
12. The Diary of Anne Frank as read by Jesse Jackson
13. The Physician's Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
14. Catcher in the Rye as read by Mark Chapman
15. Uncle Tom's Cabin as read by George Wallace
16. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew
17. The Cat in the Hat as read by BF Skinner
18. Where the Wild Things Are as read by Michael Jackson
19. A Rumor of War as read by Bill Clinton
20. Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson
21. The Joy of Cooking as read by Karen Carpenter
22. Bridges of Madison County as read by Howard Stern
23. I'm Ok You're Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh
24. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test as read by Bill Bennett
25. No One Gets Out of Here Alive as read by Kurt Cobain
26. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail as read by Richard Nixon
27. Moby Dick as read by Jonah
28. The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Mahmud Abdul Rauf
29. Fear of Flying as read by Ron Brown
30. Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson
31. Success for Dummies as read by Ross Perot

• 29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse.
• 7 Have been arrested for fraud.
• 19 Have been accused of writing bad checks.
• 117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses.
• 3 Have been arrested for assault.
• 71 Have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a credit card.
• 14 Have been arrested on drug related charges.
• 8 Have been arrested for shoplifting.
• 21 Are current defendants in lawsuits.
• 84 Were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 alone, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity.

Top ten television shows in Iraq:

• "Husseinfeld"
• "Mad About Everything"
• "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
• "Suddenly Sanctions"
• "Allah McBeal"
• "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
• "Achmed's Creek"
• "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
• "Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
• "Just Shoot Me"

Top ten reasons why it's great to be American:

• You can have a woman president without electing her
• You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
• You can call Budweiser beer
• You can be a crook and still be president
• If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
• If you can breathe you can get a gun
• You can invent a new public holiday every year
• You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
• You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
• You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
• You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.

• It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
• Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
• You may not drive barefooted.
• It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
• It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
• Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
• Masks may not be worn in public.
• Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.
• Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
• Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
• It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
• Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
• Incestous marriages are legal.
• It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
• You must have windshield wipers on your car.
• You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
• Anniston: You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
• Jasper: It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
• Lee County: It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
• Mobile: It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels. It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.
• Montgomery: It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

• It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
• Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
• You may not drive barefooted.
• It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
• It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
• Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
• Masks may not be worn in public.
• Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.
• Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
• Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
• It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
• Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
• Incestous marriages are legal.
• It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
• You must have windshield wipers on your car.
• You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
• You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
• It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
• It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
• It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.
• It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.
• It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

• In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
• While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.
• It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
• It is the state policy that emergencies are held to a minimum and are rarely found to exist. -Sec. 44.62.270. State policy.
• Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.

• You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
• Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.
• There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
• When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.
• Hunting camels is prohibited.
• Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
• It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
• Cars may not be driven in reverse.
• Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.
• If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.
• No more than six girls may live in any house.
• It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.
• A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.
• An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.
• No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.
• Women may not wear pants.
• It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

• A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
• A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.
• Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.
• The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
• Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw".
• A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot.
• Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.
• It is illegal to kill "any living creature".
• It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.
• No person shall sound the horn on a vechicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. -Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54
• Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.

• Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
• Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
• Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
• Bathhouses are against the law.
• In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
• No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
• Women may not drive in a house coat.
• It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
• Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
• You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
• Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
• City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
• You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
• It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.
• Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
• Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
• Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
• It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995)
• It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
• You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.
• It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".
• It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.
• It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
• Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.
• Toads may not be licked.
• You may not hunt moths under a street light.
• It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.
• You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
• Zoot suits are prohibited.
• It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
• It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
• Roosters may not crow in the city limits.
• Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
• It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.
• It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
• Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.
• Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.
• One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
• The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
• It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.
• Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
• Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
• It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
• It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.
• It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595
• You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.
• Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.