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A Lesson In Politics

A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy.

Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner.

Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap."

Politically Correct Lexicon

Insensitive Term - Preferred Term

ETHNICITY

PC people do not recognize the term, "race," as valid

  • Black- African-Canadian, (NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE: LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE South AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE: PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)
  • Oriental- Asian-Canadian (Note: Not Considered "REAL" Minorities since they tend to do well)
  • Indian- Native-Canadian (NOTE: The following terms are no PC: Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Indians, Kansas City Chiefs, Washington Redskins, (Avoid these cities!)
  • Chicano -Hispanic (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong, Chico and the Man episodes, Cisco Kid, Rosarita Salsa, Speedy Gonzales, AVOID! AVOID!)
  • White Trash-PC Unaware, Rustically Inclined
  • WASP (white male)-insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)

GENDER

(PC people don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations)

  • Woman- Womyn; Vaginal-Canadian
  • Girl-Pre-Womyn
  • Housewife-Domestic Engineer
  • Fireman-Firefighter
  • Stewardess-Flight Attendant
  • Meter Maid-Parking Enforcement Adjudicator
  • Post Man-Post Person Mail Man Person Person
  • Policeman-Law Enforcement Officer; Baton Boy Cal. Clubber
  • Prostitute-Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim. See: Broken Home)
  • Mankind/Human-Earth Children
  • Handicapped-Physically Challenged Differently Abled Handi-Capable
  • Blind-Optically Darker Photonically Non-receptive
  • Deaf-Visually Oriented
  • Poor-Economically Unprepared
  • Bum-Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner
  • Hunter-Animal Assassin Meat Mercenary Bambi Butcher
  • Whaler-Blubber Lovers
  • Old Person /Elderly-4th-Dimentionally Extended Gerontologically Advanced
  • Conservative-Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig
  • Drug Addict-Chemically Challenged
  • Bald-Comb-Free
  • Bisexual-Sexually Non-preferential
  • Midget, Dwarf-Little People, Vertically Challenged
  • Convict-Socially Separated
  • Insane People-Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorers
  • Learning Disability-Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
  • Tree-Hugger-Environmental Activist
  • Logger-Wood Weasel, Paper Pirate, Treeslayer
  • Dead People-Dysfunctional Earth Children Biologically Challenged Metaphysically Challenged
  • Broken Home-Dysfunctional Family
  • HouseBroken-Family Dysfunction
  • Cattle Ranch-Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) "Moo-shwitz"
  • Senile Bag o'Bones-Alzheimer's Victim
  • Ghetto/Barrio-(EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area
  • Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana
  • Hamburger-Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
  • Cheeseburger-Adding Insult to Injury
  • Cheating (in School)-Academic Dishonesty
  • Used Books-Recycled Books
  • Trees-Oxygen Exchange Units
  • Gang-Youth Group
  • Slum-(EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone
  • Obese- People of Mass Gravitationally Challenged
  • Delicatessen- Corpse Farm Charnel House

Politically Correct Terms

New Official Politically Correct Terms for the 90's

OLD -- NEW

  • conservative -- reactionary
  • the establishment -- white power elite
  • hearing person -- temporarily aurally abled
  • sighted person -- temporarily visually abled
  • blind -- visually challenged
  • mute -- vocally challenged
  • deaf -- aurally challenged
  • dead -- metabolically different
  • alive -- temporarily metabolically abled
  • ugly -- aesthetically challenged
  • fat -- gravitationally challenged
  • heavy-set -- people of mass
  • rude -- politically correct
  • psychopath -- socially misaligned
  • crooked -- ethically challenged
  • klutzy -- kinesthetically challenged
  • bald -- follicularly challenged
  • short -- differently statured
  • non-white, non-male oppressed -- white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressive
  • white male -- oppressor
  • black -- african-american
  • asian -- asian-american
  • afro-american -- african-american
  • minority group -- numerically challenged group; under-represented population
  • black -- person of color
  • Chicano -- person of color
  • weird green freak -- person of color
  • female -- person of gender
  • drooling drunk idiot -- person on floor
  • group of blacks -- Under-Represented population of persons of color
  • Group of Whites -- L.A.P.D.
  • woman -- womyn
  • women -- wymin
  • girl -- pre-womyn
  • man -- oppressor
  • boy -- oppressor-to-be
  • pregnancy -- parasitic oppression
  • janitor -- sanitation engineer
  • disabled car -- mechanically challenged car
  • dish washer -- utensil sanitizer
  • dairy -- where cows are raped
  • ranch -- where cattle are murdered
  • egg ranch -- where hens are raped
  • biology department -- where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of the imperialist drug companies
  • fishing -- raping the oceans
  • farming -- exploiting mother earth
  • nhl hockey -- uniformed fascists vying for superiority
  • paper bag -- processed tree carcass

Many of the labels from the 80's are now passe. Here is a partial list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject to change without notice).

old 80's/90's

  • deaf/hearing impaired/aurally challenged
  • blind /sight impaired/visually challenged
  • retarded/mentally handicapped/mentally challenged
  • queer/gay/homosexual/queer (strange but true)
  • fat/big boned/alternative body image

Definition Of A Diplomat

Definitions of A Diplomat:

  • Always knows what to talk about, but doesn't always talk about what he knows.
  • Always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.
  • Can always make himself misunderstood.
  • Can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.
  • Can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable.
  • Can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather than in a taxi.
  • Can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.
  • Can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.
  • Can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.
  • Can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.
  • Can make nothing sound like something.
  • Can put his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
  • Can put his foot down without stepping on someone's toes.
  • Can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
  • Can tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head.
  • Can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the trip.
  • Comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with you.
  • Divides his time between running for office and running for cover.
  • Has a straightforward way of dodging issues.
  • Knows how far to go before he goes too far.
  • Lets you do all the talking while he gets what he wants.
  • Never tells a woman how nice she looks in a gown. He tells her how nice the gown looks on her.
  • Puts his cards on the table, but still has some up each sleeve.
  • Straddles an issue whenever he isn't dodging one.
  • Will approach every question with an open mouth.
  • Will lay down your life for his country.
  • Will refuse to answer any question on the ground it might eliminate him.

Libertarians vs. Anarchists

What's the difference between Anarchists and Libertarians??

Libertarians are anarchists with money.

Anarchists believe property is theft. Libertarians believe everything is property.

Libertarians are bosses; anarchists work for them when they run out of other options.

Libertarians buy more guns, but anarchists use more ammo.

Libertarians ride in stretch limos; anarchists throw bricks through their windshields.

Libertarians go shopping; anarchists go shoplifting.

Libertarians go to the police after they've been mugged; anarchists get mugged by the police.

A libertarian wants to marry another libertarian, but only after sleeping with enough anarchists.

Anarchists ignore the IRS; Libertarians hire accountants and attorneys to fight them.

Libertarians think the government is trying steal the property they rightfully own; anarchists think the government is trying to defend property that nobody rightfully owns.

Libertarians are organized in a political party; anarchists aren't organized in anything.

Anarchists ignore elections; Libertarians run for office, vote and lose.

Libertarians think anarchists are naive and unrealistic; anarchists don't care what libertarians think.

Clinton's Clock

Bill Clinton made up a list of things he can say to his secretaries so they will know what he really wants, but everyone else will ignore.

So one day, he hires a new secretary, and then calls her over the intercom. "Hello Ms., could you please come in here and fix my clock". Of course, she innocently agreed. She walked into the office, and looked around. "Where's the clock sir?", she asked.

Suddenly, the president stood up and dropped his pants. "That's not a clock Mr. Clinton !", she exclaimed.

"It will be", he replied, "Once you put two hands and a face on it !".

Very Short Books

Very Short Books...

  1. Outdoor activities in Chernobyl
  2. Hot Scenic Real-estate opportunities on top of Mt St. Helens
  3. Investment opportunities in worm futures for the deceased
  4. Ballerina lessons for men with size 13 or larger feet
  5. Defensive Driving tips for the Blind
  6. Contraceptive tips for Nuns
  7. Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus
  8. Mutual Fund Investment strategies for compulsive gamblers
  9. Cooking with Pork Fat for Vegetarians
  10. GreenPeace Guide for Buying Quality Baby Seal coats
  11. GreenPeace Guide to Preparing Fast & Easy Whale Dishes
  12. Jewish and Arab Friendship Customs
  13. Human Rights organizations in Libya
  14. Democracy Debate clubs in Cuba
  15. Applying for Tibetan Vendors Permits
  16. Applying for Flight Clearance over The White House
  17. Guide to Redneck Gay Bars
  18. Guide to NeoNazis Jewish Friendship Centers
  19. Famous Native American Judges, Senators and Presidents
  20. Famous Black Canadian Hockey Players
  21. Famous Hillbilly Physics
  22. Guide to apply for Pan Handling Permit in Singapore
  23. Street guide to most original graffiti in Singapore
  24. Country Singers who have appeared at Carnegie Hall
  25. Sports Illustrated's Gay Mens Swimsuit Edition
  26. How to start you own part time Hospital from home
  27. Guide to Gay NBA, NFL, AFL & NHL Teams
  28. E-mail address directory for the homeless
  29. All Night Libyan Moshe pits
  30. List of Fine Wines from Iran

Some Words of Wisdom

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

Few women admit their age and few men act theirs.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

LOVE: Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Forget about world peace...
Visualize using your turn signal.

WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.

PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

There are 3 Kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Ever stop to think, and then forget to start again?

DIPLOMACY: The art of saying "nice doggie!" until you can find a rock.

Lead me not into temptation...
I can find it myself.