Best jokes: Ouch, page 58

Guest

Joke

His brain could be the perfect dielectric.
His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.
His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel.
His buffer is full.
His clutch is slipping.
His data bus stops for red lights.
His deck has no face cards.
His elevator is stuck between floors.
His face is on a coin... On the edge.
His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.
His freelist is empty.
His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct.
His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams
His grey matter is brown / doesn't matter.
His head whistles in a cross wind.
His home planet is flat.
His IQ is a false positive.
His jack can't get the car off the ground.
His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.
His mind is great at error magnification.
His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes.
His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
His mind is write-protected/write-only.
His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.
His mind wandered and never came back.
His motto is: Space, the final frontier.
His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.
His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine."
His page was intentionally left blank.
His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".

0

Guest

Joke

His pointers are null / uninitialized.
His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
His reaction time is longer than his attention span. -- Thaves
His root file system isn't mounted.
His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
His shared libraries aren't installed.
His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
His spark can't jump the gap.
His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.
His stack's not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack.
His string's aren't null-terminated.
His strip is demagnetized.
His system administrator is never in.
His train tracks aren't quite parallel.
His URL denies outside access.
His watch dog is sleeping.
His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts.
Hitler's evil twin.
Hyperspatially interconnected / permanently disconnected neural net.
Hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken.
I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth.
If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears.
If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a cheerio.
If brains were grains of sand, he couldn't fill a dixie cup.
If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week.
If he donated his brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years.

0

Guest

Joke

If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true.
If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.
If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns.
If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy.
If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt.
If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic.
If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously.
If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0.
If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.
If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list.
If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked.
If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now.
If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain.
If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
If you called him a wit, you'd be half right.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
Ignorant, and proud of it.
Immune from any serious head injury.
Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.
In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size.
In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms.
In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, "No, thanks".

0

Guest

Joke

In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes, and he asked for "extra thick."
In need of a ROM upgrade.
In serious need of attitude adjustment.
In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us.
Includes a "thank you" note with her tax returns.
Infinite space between her ears.
Informationally deprived.
Inhabits her own private timezone.
Inspected by #13.
Inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."
Intellectually/synaptically challenged.
Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end.
Invented a submarine with a screen door.
IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.
Q lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut.
It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
Just another flash in the bedpan.
Keeps his imagination on a long leash.
Knitting with only one needle.
Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence.
Landing with his gear/brain up and locked.
Leaky sunroof.
Left hand threaded.
Left his booster on the launch pad.
Left the store without all of his groceries.
Leveled off before reaching altitude.
Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.
Lightbulb over his head is burned out.
Lights are on but nobody's home.

0

Guest

Joke

Lights not burning too bright.
Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top.
Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
Likes dunking for french fries.
Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / jumped the track.
Lives in La-la-land.
Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
Long on dry wall, short on studs.
Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.
Looks for the "Any" key.
Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
Low on thinking gas.
Low-bandwidth as an information source.
Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
Mainspring's wound too tight.
Makes a black hole look bright.
Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good.
Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written.
Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test.
Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
Metronome needs oil.
Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind.
Mind like a steel sieve.
Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice / nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.

0

Guest

Joke

Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland.
Mooring lines don't reach the dock.
More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.
Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
Needs another brain to make half-wit.
Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
Needs front end alignment.
Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
Network constantly loses packets.
Neurons are firing non-sequentially.
Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum.
Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson
Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
Nine pence in the shilling.
Nine rooms no furniture.
Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
No charge in her synapses.
No coins in the old fountain.
No filter in the coffeemaker.
No grain in the silo.
No hands on the rudder/yoke.
No hay in the loft.
No one at the throttle.
No wind in her mind's windmills.
Not all his dogs are barking.

0

Guest

Joke

Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
Not done evolving yet.
Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
Not enough sense to stay out in the rain. (Like a 60's flower child.)
Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight.
Not hard-docked.
Not inflated to 90 PSI.
Not Intel Inside. (Or, given Pentium problems, just: Intel inside.)
Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.
Not only rude, but ugly too.
Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game).
Not running on full thrusters.
Not shooting pool on a level table.
Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree / light in the harbor.
Not the full quid.
Not the same since they took him off his medication.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer / tool in the shed.
Not Turing equivalent.
Not wrapped too tight.
Nothing between the stethoscopes.
Nothing on her radar.
Numb as a post / pounded thumb.
Number 'n a hake. (New England expression a notoriously stupid fish.)
Nutty as a fruitcake.

0

Guest

Joke

Off by one.
Off his rocker/trolley.
Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.
On permanent leave of absence from his senses.
On the batting end of a no-hitter.
One bit short of a byte/word.
One board short of a porch.
One boot stuck in the sand.
One bumper/rail short of a bank shot.
One bun/donut short of a dozen.
One car short of a chase scene.
One card/marble shy of a full deck.
One chip short of a megabyte.
One clearance short of landing/taking off.
One color short of color-coordinated.
One diamond short of a ring.
One dimension short of reality.
One drool bib short of neat and tidy.
One drop short of an empty bladder.
One flower short of an arrangement.
One flying buttress short of a cathedral.
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
One fruit short of a basket.
One gene short of a full chromosome.
One goose short of a gaggle.
One handle short of a suitcase.
One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
One inspection short of passing.
One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
One miracle wouldn't be enough to help him.

0

Guest

Joke

One node short of a network.
One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
One pane short of a window.
One pearl short of a necklace.
One prayer short of absolution.
One press short of a CAPS LOCK key. (Types all uppercase.)
One punch/swing/hit short of a fight.
One sentence short of a paragraph.
One shade short of a rainbow.
One shingle shy of a roof, and the water's getting in.
One ship short of a full fleet.
One side short of a pentagon.
One signature short of a book.
One sleeve/button short of a shirt.
One snowflake short of a ski slope.
One song short of a musical.
One span short of a bridge.
One step short of the attic.
One strawberry short of a quart.
One strike past being called out.
One sub short of a party platter.
One taco/enchilada short of a combination plate.
One teabag short of a pot.
One tower short of a castle.
One tree short of a hammock.
One vine short of the tree. (For Tarzan types.)
One weight short of a shipwreck.
Only one oar in the water.
Only playing with 51 cards.
Only playing with the jokers

0

Guest

Joke

Operating in stand-by mode.
Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
Out there where the buses don't run.
Outlet isn't grounded.
Over the rainbow.
Overdue for reincarnation.
Overruns above 110 baud.
Paged/swapped out.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Parents beat him with an ugly stick.
Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.
Perfect chassis, bad driver.
Perfect face for Halloween.
Perfect percussionist for an acapella group (duh, duh, duh...)
Perfect training subject for apprentice hypnotists.
Permanently out to lunch.
Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
Phototrophic on a better day.
Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.
Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
Playing hockey with a warped puck.
Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.
Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
Plays solitaire... for cash.
Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.
Plenty of myelin but not enough neurons.
Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.

0

Ouch — best jokes

Stupid Insults Part 15

Stupid Insults Part 16

Stupid Insults Part 17

Stupid Insults Part 18

Stupid Insults Part 19

Stupid Insults Part 20

Stupid Insults Part 21

Stupid Insults Part 22

Stupid Insults Part 23

Stupid Insults Part 24