Ouch — best jokes

There's this guy and he lives in the second largest state in America, which is California, and he want's to live in the largest state of America which is Alaska.

So he goes there for a few weeks and decides he wants to become a fully-fledged Alskan, so he goes in this pub to ask a bar man what he has to do to become a fully fledged Alaskan.

The barnabs say's "First you drink this liter of whisky, then you've got to kill a bear, and find a woman and rape her."

The guy gets confused, so he asked the barman to repeat it.

He comes back a week later beaten to shit.

"What happened to you?" said the barman.

"I'm nearly a fully fledged alaskan, all I gotta do now is kill a woman"!

What did the black baby say to its mother when it had diarrhea?
→ "Mommy, I'm melting!!!"

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
→ One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with... The other is used to carry groceries.

(AP) The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...

Foul play has not been ruled out.

There was once a guy whose tongue was so long that when he stuck it out for the doctor, the nurse went, "Aaaaaahhh!!!"

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your ass hole before prison....."

A man is walking along the road, when he hears someone shouting "Twelve! Twelve!" over a fence.

As he walks closer to the fence, they start shouting "Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Curious, the man looks through a gap in the fence. Suddenly he's poked in the eye by a man on the other side, and as he lies there, clutching his head, the man hears "Fourteen! Fourteen!"

This man is waiting for his wife to deliver his first child. When the doctor comes out of the operating room, he comes up to him and asks to see his wife and baby.

- I have something to tell you... Your baby has got no legs...

- Oh... I guess it's still my son. Let me see it.

- He's got no arms either...

- That bad, uh? I have to see it!

- And he's got no trunk either... No head... Actually, it's only an ear...

- ... He's still my son, take me to him now.

Then they go in a sterile room where a nurse carries in a cradle with a huge ear in it.

- My son!!! Flesh of my flesh!!! Blood of my blood!!!

- Louder...he's deaf too!!!

One day, a man walked into the dentist's office for some dental work.

The dentist said, "Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer would you like?"

The man looked at the dentist and said, "None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life."

The dentist said, "Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller."

The man looked back at the dentist and said, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare."

The dentist said, "Sir, I'm telling you, use a painkiller."

The man again said to the dentist, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth."

The dentist then said, "Okay, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?"

The man said, "Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life."

The dentist then said, "Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?"

The man replied, "When I reached the end of the chain."

- I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first?

- Do begin with the bad news, please.

- Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.

- Good grief! What's the good news?

- The good news is that there is no more bad news.