Ouch — best jokes

Have u ever saw Stevie Wonders wife?
→ No
→ Neither has he.

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

In the United States alone, there are over 10,000 cases of battered women.

And to think... all this time, I have been eating mine plain!

BANNED CHILDREN'S BOOKS

• Dad's New Wife Timothy
• Pop! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games
• How to Become the Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
• Safe Sex and the Zip-Lock Bag
• Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets
• Egghead - and Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty
• The Complete Set Of "Mother Got Goosed" Nursery Rhymes
• Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures
• The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
• The Tickling Babysitter
• Babar Meets the Taxidermist
• Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
• Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
• The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
• Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Mom's Purse
• The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
• Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
• Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes On
• The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
• How to Insert Sharp Objects into Your Ear
• When is Later?
• The Beanie Babies and the Putrid Odor
• Why Mommy and Daddy Are Bouncing on the Bed
• Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Get Kinky
• Rin Tin Tin Guards the Herd of Sheep
• How Far is Not Far?
• Three Men in a Tub - The Untold Story
• The Boy Who Cried "Fire!"
• Things Rat Poison Looks Like
• Why Uncle Bud Falls Down
• Two Fingers in the Dike
• Back To School! A Munitions Primer
• Jack and Jill and Ted and Alice
• Things That Are Really Sharp
• How Dopey Got His Name
• Spinach or Steroids - A Guide to Scholarships

An old lady noticed that she was about out of gas and pulled her car into the nearest self-service gas station. She forgot to put out the cigarette she was smoking as she began to pump her gas, so she flicked it away.

A spark landed on her hand and the gas nozzle. The old lady's arm caught fire. In a feverish attempt to put out the fire, she waved her arm up and down.

A Police officer was nearby, saw what was happening and fired 3 shots at the woman killing her instantly. Shocked onlookers asked the officer why he shot her. The officer said, "She was waving a firearm."

If a tree falls in a forest, and lands on a mime... does anyone care?

When you're having a bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, just remember: it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.

A new bellringer was needed for Notre Dame Cathedral to replace Quasimoto, the hunchback. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop ran down the long series of steps to the bottom of the cathedral, then rushed out to the man's side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." But wait...there's more!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia word for you!), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet and began to create the most wonderful sounds to be heard. When he had finished, he turned to the bishop, groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first asked breathlessly, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"

I like to hang out around the playground, just watching the kids running and screaming. They don't know I'm just using blanks.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
→ Nothing, somebody already told her twice!!!!