Ouch — best jokes

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
→ Nothing, you told her twice.

What do you call a witch who kills her mother and father?
→ An orphan.

What do you call someone who sticks his right hand in shark's mouths?
→ Lefty!

What happened when the slave put his head into a lions mouth to count how many teeth he had?
→ The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the slave had!

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. He wore it under his shirt and it was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest class in the school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

While working at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class become more and more unmanageable.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

Where did all the cuts and blood come from?
→ The school went on a trip!

What happened when the man asked the salesman for a good belt?
→ "O.K., you asked for it," the salesman said as he gave him a good belt.

How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?
→ None. He fell.

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard"
Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it!
Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."