Ouch — best jokes

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.

But it also lit up her arm, too!

Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma?
→ When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

- Patient: I'm really depressed.

- Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.

- Patient: Nothing is going well.

- Therapist: Nothing well.

- Patient: I feel like killing myself.

- Therapist: You're thinking of killing yourself.

- Patient: Yes, I'm going to do it NOW.

- Therapist: You want to do it now.

- Patient: [Jumps out window.]

- Therapist: Woosh. Splat.

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will, what will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."

Brian was dating Lorraine and they were very close. While they were dating he met another woman named Clearly and wanted to start dating her but felt that he should be faithful to Lorraine. So he continued to date Lorraine. One day Brian took Lorraine on a walk in the woods by the river. As they were walking near the river Lorraine fell in and was washed away. Brian softly sang, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone..."

How do you save a man from drowning?
→ Take your foot off his head.

What's the best way to kill a man?
→ Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
→ You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.