Medicine — best jokes

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies:

- Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?

The doctor answered:

- Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain.

- I know, but can't you give me some idea? - she asks.

- Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...

- Like this?

- A little more...

- Like this?

- No. A little more...

- Like this?

- Yes. Does that hurt?

- A little bit.

- Now stretch it over your head!

I just bought some Gravol for my kids. It's even called "Gravol for Children". It has dosage information for children 2 to under 6 years, and for children 6 to under 12 years. There is no dosage information for anybody older than 12 years old. But there is the following:

Caution: Do not exceed the recommended dosage. May cause drowsiness. Avoid driving a motor vehicle or performing tasks requiring mental alertness. Avoid alcoholic beverages. Do not take if you have: glaucoma, chronic lung disease, difficulty in urination due to an enlargement of the prostate gland, or if you are pregnant or breast-feeding unless directed by a physician. [and some other cautions not quite so inappropriate]

I had to take it back - my chain smoking, alcoholic, pregnant, car driving 6-year-old daughter couldn't take them!

What a mother once told her teenage daughter about how it felt to have a baby:

- It's kinda like trying to pass a watermelon through a keyhole.

The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in her robe and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a phone book.

- What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting - the nurse exclaimed.

- I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby - the new mother replied.

- You don't have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new mothers to assist them in picking a first name for their baby.

- You don't understand - the woman said and frowned.

- My baby already has a FIRST name!

A young woman, two months pregnant, went to see her obstetrician. He was in a hurry to leave on an emergency call, so he asked her to quickly bare her stomach, then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp, which he pressed beside her navel. He then rushed off.

At home, she and her husband tried to read the tiny words printed on her belly, but they were too small. They then found a magnifying glass and tried to read the words; the stamp read:

- When your husband can read this without his glasses, it's time to get yourself to the hospital!

The Mammogram

This is an x-ray that has its own name because no one wants to actually say the word breast. Mammograms require your breasts to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you should do fine. Most breasts however, pretty much hang around doing nothing in particular so they are woefully unprepared. But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these simple exercises:

1. Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts (either will do) beetween the two bookends and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily.
2. Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.
3. (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby will slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat on the other side.

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says:

- I'd like 99 condoms please.

With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says:

- 99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!

To which the guy replies:

- Make it 100.

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.

The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant that, if the man returns, to follow him.

Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.

- So did you follow him?

- I did.

- And...where did he go?

- Over to your house!

A woman walks into the local pharmacy and ask's to see sanitary napkins.

The pharmacist replies:

- We have mini-pads and maxi-pads, which do you prefer?

The woman asks:

- What's the difference?

Pharmacist replies:

- It depends on what you flow is like!

Woman replies:

- My flo? My flo is linoleum!

- When a customer comes into the shop, be very polite to them and try to put a little poetry into it when you're talking to them.

The youth says that he does not see what the pharmacist means by this, so the pharmacist says that he should observe when the next customer comes in and watch how he or she is dealt with.

Presently a middle aged woman comes in to the shop and asks for something for a tummy bug.

The pharmacist says:

- There's a lot of that virus going about, but this pink mixture should sort you out!

- Oh thank you very much! - says the middle aged woman and she leaves the shop.

So the pharmacist says the youth can serve the next customer while he goes to tea break:

- And remember to put some poetry into it - he says.

Anyway, the youth waits around and nobody comes in, so he decides to go to the restroom. Just as he's about to nip off, a young teenage girl comes in.

- Can I help you? - he asks.

She replies very embarrassedly that she would like to buy some sanitary towels, to which the youth replies:

- Hang on Miss, I'm dying for a piss, but I'll be back in a flash, with a sash for your gash!