Medicine — best jokes

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?
→ She gave herself a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift!

The Vancouver [British Columbia] Sun, Thursday, 18 March 1993, page A13 lead headline "United States"

"Hospital costs prove 40% less in Canada by Daniel Haney, AP Science writer

Washington - Hospitals cost almost 40 per cent more in the United States than in Canada, largely because [...]U.S. hospitals are more expensive, in part, because the cases they treat are 14 percent more complex. [Dr. Donald] Redelmeier, of Wellesley Hospital in Toronto, writing in the New England Journal of Medicine] said this reflects social differences between the two countries."

- Frostbite of the nose is not as expensive to treat as a shotgun wound to the belly - he said.

A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news:

- You only have six months to live.

The man sits for a while thinking, and then says:

- There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a Communist.

The doctor asks:

- You've been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?

The man says:

- Better one of them should die than one of us!

A man speaks frantically into the phone:

- My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

- Is this her first child? - the doctor queries.

- No, you idiot! - the man shouts.

- This is her husband!

The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.

The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony.

He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.

What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
→ A hematologist pricks your finger.

A medical student is taking a test and one of the questions he sees is:

- Name the three best advantages of mother's milk.

The student immediately writes:

- One: It has all the healthful nutrients needed to sustain a baby.

- Two: It is inside the mother's body and therefore protected from germs and infections.

But the student can't think of the third answer. Finally, he writes:

- Three: It comes in such nice containers.

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck...it's probably a duck," and shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

And then there once was the doctor who was so conceited about his looks and charm that whenever he took a woman's pulse, he subtracted 10 beats to account for her being excited near him.

After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced:

- Step back please! I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR.

The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder.

- When you get to the part about calling a doctor - she said.

- I'm already here!