Medicine — best jokes

At a major medical convention, a noted internist arises to announce that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic.

- What's it cure? - asks a member of the audience.

- Nothing we don't already have a drug for - the internist replies.

- Well, what's so miraculous about it?

- One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times!

From David Letterman

Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General

10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.
11. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.
12. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.
13. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.
14. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.
15. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.
16. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".
17. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.
18. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school.
19. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.

From Late Show with David Letterman

Top Ten Signs You've Gone To a Bad Chiropractor

10. When you walk, you make a wacky accordion sound.
11. Keeps saying, "A spine is like a box of chocolates."
12. Repeatly asks, "You a cop? You sure you ain't a cop?"
13. Over and over, you hear crunching sounds followed by "Uh-oh".
14. There's a two drink minimum.
15. At end of session, lies down on the table and says, "My turn!"
16. He was nowhere near Woodstock and yet he's covered with mud.
17. Rushes in late to your appointment still wearing his Burger King uniform.
18. Hints that for an extra $50, he'll "straighten" something else.
19. You're fully-clothed and he's naked.

If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?
→ Tunnel vision!

A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned to specialize in gynecology.

When she asked him why he chose gynecology, he said simply:

- There's lots of openings!

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied:

- I'd like to have some birth control pills.

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said:

- Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?

The woman responded:

- They help me sleep better.

The doctor thought some more and continued:

- How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?

The woman said:

- I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night!

What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
→ One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.

What do you call a geriatric gynecologist?
→ A spreader of old wives' tales!

Things Not To Say To Your Pregnant Wife After Her Ultrasound

1. Thirsty?
2. Where did the extra set of arms come from?
3. Why does it look so much like a lizard?
4. So, what are the characteristics of hermaphroditism?
5. Could we do that again? The nurse had me distracted.

Things Not To Do While You Are With Your Wife In Labor In The Delivery Room

1. Clip your toenails.
2. Read a Playboy magazine.
3. Tell the doctor that you want the afterbirth to have it bronzed.
4. Flirt with the nurse.
5. Watch a football game on your portable television.
6. Tell her how pretty and sexy she looks right now.