Medicine — best jokes

- Jay: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can't get to heaven?

- Ted: No, but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there.

Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor 'what did you do on Earth?'

The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go in.'

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may go in.'

St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do?'
The man hung his head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which St. Peter replied, 'you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.'

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper:
'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?'

'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'

'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.'

'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor ansvered.

'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'

What famous chiropodist ruled England?
→ William the Corn-cutter!

At 5 P.M. one Halloween afternoon, my dental hygienist realized that she wouldn't make it to the store in time to get snacks for trick-or-treaters. So she took home some free samples from the office supply cabinet. That night she handed out dozens of toothbrushes, toothpaste, and dental floss. The next year, although she had bags of chips and popcorn, not one child came knocking at her door.

Did you hear about the sick ghost?
→ He had oooooo-ping cough.

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

What kind of fish will help you hear better?
→ A herring aid!

- Lee: I just swallowed a fish bone!

- Counselor: Are you choking?

- Lee: No, I'm serious!

One day a boy was drowning in a near by lake. A firefighter swam out and pulled the boy up onto the beach and began CPR. A crowed watched as the firefighter frantically pumped on the boys chest. With great amazement water was pooring from the boys mouth. Each time the firefighter pumped more water came out.
A short time later seaweed started coming out, then minnows, then more water started coming out of the boys mouth. The firefighter feared this would never stop. Just then, a paramedic arrived and quickly ran over to the firefighter and blurted out. "Hey Chief! You better get that kids ass out of the water before you pump that lake dry".