Marriage Jokes — best jokes

What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?
→ Call her/him on the telephone!

- Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?

- Well, I suppose so.

- Would you and he sleep in the same bed?

- I guess we would.

- Would you make love to him?

- He would be my husband then, dear.

- Would you give him my golf clubs?

- No...

He's left handed.

There are four kinds of sex involved in a marriage.

The first is Smurf Sex... This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex... This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex... You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex... This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say:

- Fuck you!

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex... This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court!

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat.

One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.

- But why? - asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said:

- Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant.

The wife said:

- Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have any children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay.

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said:

- I am definitely leaving this time.

- Don't tell me you're pregnant again? - asked the lady of the house.

- No - she said.

- there are just too many kids here to pick up after!

How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
→ You marry him!

- Husband: Honey, has the mailman come yet?

- Wife: No, but he's panting and sweating pretty hard.

- You know - a guy told his buddies.

- I'm a lucky man.

- I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work.

- What did she do? - someone asked.

- She was so happy to have me home - he said.

- that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My husband's home!'

Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?

The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.

I saw my old girlfriend the other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong finger.

When I pointed this out to her, she said:

- I know, I married the wrong man.

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.

- It's for my husband - she tells the clerk.

- Did he tell you what gauge to get? - asked the clerk.

- Are you kidding? - she says.

- He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!