Marriage Jokes — best jokes

Two young couples marry the same day and, being all friends, leave together for honeymoon to stay at the same Hotel in Venice, door to door.

The next morning, the two brand new husbands step out on their balconies to have a breath of fresh air.

- So? How was it going last night? C'mon, tell me! How's your wife?

- Uhh, fine I guess, she's lying on the bed smoking.

- Jesus! My wife just got a bit sore...

The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while her husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars.

- Come to bed, darling - she whispered after some time had passed.

- Not likely - replied the blonde groom, my mother told me that this would be the best night of my life and I'm not going to miss a minute of it.

A newlywed bride and groom had been busy at "it" for three days straight.

The groom arose early and was reading the paper, thinking it was time to do something else. When his bride woke up, he said:

- Honey would you like to see Oliver Twist?

His bride replied:

- You show me one more trick with that thing and I'm going home to mother!

- It's just to hot to wear clothes today - said Jack as he stepped out of the shower.

- Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?

- Probably that I married you for your money.

Jill tells her husband:

- Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.

- Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?

- Gosh - Jack says, why I hardly know the girl!

- Honey, I have a confession to make - a guy told his bride.

- I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season.

- Well, dear - she murmured.

- I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker.

- No big deal - replied the groom.

- Just keep your head down and your left arm straight!

- I'm fed up with your jealousy - the furious wife told her husband.

- Do you think I don't realize you're having me followed by a detective who's tall, blond, has green eyes and is very nice, although a little shy at first?

Here lies my wife in earthy mould; when she lived did naught but scold.
Good friends go softly in your walking; lest she should wake and rise up talking.

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife:

- What the hell happened?

- As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss - replied the wife.

- Piss on him - answered the husband.

- You did - said the wife, and he fired you.

- Well, fuck him - said the husband.

- I did, and you go back to work in the morning!

On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband:

- Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and irresistible to women you are?

- Why no - said the husband, flattered.

- Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?! - she yelled.