Marriage Jokes — best jokes

A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a vice. Securing it tightly and removing the handle of the vice, she then picked up a hacksaw.

Terrified, her husband screamed:

- Stop! Please! You aren't going to cut it off, are you?

Placing the saw in her husband's hand and with a gleam of revenge in her eye, the wife replied:

- Of course not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to do!

With their 30th wedding anniversary approaching, Ron asks his wife, Sylvia, what she wants to celebrate the occasion.

- Would you like to have a new mink coat? - Ron asks.

- No, not really - Sylvia responds.

- Well, how about a new Porche? - asks Ron.

- No, thanks - Sylvia replies.

- What about a new vacation home in the country? - Ron suggests.

- No - says Sylvia.

- Well, what would you like for your anniversary? - Ron asks.

- I'd like a divorce, Ron - answers Sylvia.

- Sorry, honey, I wasn't planning on spending that much - replies Ron.

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells:

- When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

- Yeah? - she replies. - When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'

- Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times - the judge said.

- Yes, Your Honor - the suspect replied.

- What did you steal? - the judge asked.

- I stole a dress, Your Honor - replied the suspect.

- One dress? - the judge bellowed. - But you have admitted to breaking in four times!

- Yes, Your Honor - sighed the suspect - but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!

An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening:

- Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend.

- That sounds fine - she purred.

And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying:

- Mind if I play along?

The exec. said:

- Fine. Glad to have the company.

All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle.

- Whoa - he said. - That's a high powered rifle!

- Look - said the other man. - I'm not out to cause any trouble. If you want me to leave, I will. No hard feelings.

- No. No - said the exec. - I'm just curious as to why you have a high-powered rifle in your bag.

The other man pondered for a moment and then said:

- Well, I'll tell you. It's my business. It's what I do for a living.

- Wow - said the other. - I've heard about guys like you, but I've never met one before.

- Still want me to play? - said the other.

- Sure - said the Erie exec. - As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?

The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful--an inlaid Weatherby with a huge powerful scope mounted on it. The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said:

- Gee, I can see the window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there's my wife.

He lowered the gun for a moment and said:

- she doesn't have any clothes on.

He looked through the scope again.

- Damn, there's a guy with her.

The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man.

- How much do you charge?

- $10,000 a bullet - said the man.

The Erie man thought for a moment, and said:

- Do it.

- Which one? - said the hit man.

- Both - said the exec.

- That's $20,000, you know.

- I don't care, hit 'em both.

The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle.

- Where do you want me to get the man? - he asked.

- Blow his nuts off - said the exec.

- How about the woman?

- In the mouth. She's always flapping her gums anyway.

- Ok - said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled.

- Mister - he said - I think I'm going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks:

- What's are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies:

- Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.

- Oh I see - replied the boys pensively.

- Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks:

- Why are there 3 in this package?

The dad replies:

- Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.

- Cool! - says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks:

- Then who are these for?

- Those are for college men - The dad answers.

- TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.

- WOW! - exclaimed the boy.

- Then who uses THESE? - he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied:

- Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

- Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?

- Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question...

- Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.

- Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.

- Three? When were they?

- Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?

- Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?

- Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?

- I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?

- Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked:

- If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?

- No, I stopped drinking years ago - the bum said.

- Will you use it to gamble?

- I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.

- Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?

- Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!

The man said:

- Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.

The bum was astounded.

- Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.

The man replied:

- That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf.

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband.

The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address.

In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife:
I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Your Devoted Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

- I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?

His new bride said:

- No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not.