Marriage Jokes — best jokes

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying:

- I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie.... Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked:

- How many times did you cheat on your wife?

The first man replied:

- Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.

The Lord replied:

- Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked:

- How many times did you cheat on your wife?

The second man replied:

- Lord, I cheated on my wife twice.

The Lord replied:

- I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four-bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked:

- So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?

The third man replied:

- Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times.

The Lord replied:

- I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out.

- Why are you crying? - the two men asked.

- You got the mansion and limo!

The first man replied:

- I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

- Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates? - he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

- I was a good father - he answers.

- Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance.

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said:

- Come on, Penny, let's get out of here.

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says:

- I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said:

- You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!

Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said:

- I don't know. My wife told me to stand here.

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

- First Guy: Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

- Second Guy: That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

- Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him:

- You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?

- Fourth Guy: I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.

"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'" - Unknown

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..
10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

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Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says:

- I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me.

The husband says:

- WHAT???

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says:

- but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says:

- I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.

The husband says:

- no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.

The wife face goes blank.

- No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says:

- You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him:

- Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?

- Not at all, Ma'am - the manager replied.

- It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said:

- Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?

- My darling - he replied.

- I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.