Marriage Jokes — best jokes

What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
→ Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

- The car won't start - said a wife to her husband.

- I think there's water in the carburettor.

- How do you know? - said the husband scornfully.

- You don't even know what the carburettor is.

- I'm telling you - repeated the wife.

- I'm sure there's water in the carburettor.

- We'll see - mocked the husband.

- Let me check it out. Where's the car?

- In the swimming pool.

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

- I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous.

- My Billy used to do the same thing, the older woman replied. But I broke him of the habit.

- How?

- I hid his teeth.

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says:

- I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob).

The young jogger says:

- Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?

The old man says:

- I can't remember where I live.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

- You'll get your chance in court, said the Desk Sergeant.

- No, no no! I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!

A couple go on holiday to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says:

- Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?

- Reading a book - she replies (thinking it was obvious).

- You're in a restricted fishing area - he informs her.

- I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I am reading - she replies.

- Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up - the warden says.

- If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault - says the woman.

- But I haven't even touched you! - says the game warden.

- That's true, but you have all the equipment.

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assasin position - two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said:

- You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.

The agent replies:

- Then you're not the right man for this job.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent replies:

- You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said:

- You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.

A woman went in to see a therapist and said:

- I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell.

- My dear - the doctor said:

- that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.

- The problem is - she complained:

- he keeps waking me up!

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.

- No fancy stuff, Doctor - he ordered:

- No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.

- I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you - said the dentist admiringly:

- Now, which tooth is it?

Mr. Smith turned to his wife..

- Show him, honey.

• All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
• Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
• Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.
• It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.
• May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.
• May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.
• May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.
• Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over."
• The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage. There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia