Marriage Jokes — best jokes

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

- What was the name of the Instructor? - asked the neighbor.

- Oh, ummmm, let's see - the old man pondered.

- You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?

- A rose? - asked the neighbor.

- Yes, that's it - replied the old man.

He then turned toward his house and shouted:

- Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

- Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out.

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:

- Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice:

- Yes - then leaned toward the pastor and hissed:

- I thought we had a deal.

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered:

- She made me a better offer.

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says:

- And you are no good in bed either - and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says:

- What took you so long to answer the phone?

She says:

- I was in bed.

- In bed this early, doing what? - Shouts the doctor.

- Getting a second opinion!

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman:

- Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly:

- Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door.

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

- Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?

Tom responds:

- Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single.

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said:

- From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

- The funeral director - said his wife.

Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Glen, in bed with another woman.

- That's it! - she shouted:

- I'm leaving and I'm not coming back!

- Wait honey - Glen pleaded:

- Can't you at least let me explain?

- Fine, let's hear your story - Donna replied.

- Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing - explained Glen.

I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey you had in the refrigerator but didn't serve to me.

- Then - Glen continued:

- I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was walking down the step, she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'

A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.

- Don't move! You're a statue!

The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.

The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says:

- Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

- Let's have a party, Homer - she suggested.

- Let's kill a pig.

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.

- Gee, Ethel - he finally answered:

- I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.

Showing his friend around his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.

- The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth.

- Well - his friend replies:

- since you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, you'll never be able to sell!

- And that's where you're wrong - the man smiled.

- If I sell it, my wife would kill me!