Lawyer Jokes — best jokes

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said "You'll see."

They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket Please." An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.

On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, "You'll see."

All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers' bathroom, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket please."

Once there were three surgeons engaged in conversation.

They got on the topic of their occupation and each stated who they liked to operate on. The first doctor said, "I like to work on electricians."

"Why?" the others replied.

He answered, "When you open them up, they are all color coded so you know where everything goes."

The second doctor said, "I like to work on librarians."

"Why?" the other doctors asked.

He replied, "Librarians are all orgainized in a sophisticated pattern."

The third doctor said, "Well, I like to work on lawyers."

"Lawyers?!" replied the others suprised.

"Yes, Lawyers" he stated.

"But why?" they asked him.

"Well, they are gutless, they have no spine, and their heads and butts are interchangable."

A self-centered, unbelieving man... ok a lawyer... died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee. "I'll choose this room," he said. Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "O.K., coffee break is over, back on your heads."

What is the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
→ Lipstick

Why are there so few Irish lawyers?
→ The majority of them can't pass the bar!

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is taking all of her background information and asks her, "Do you have grounds for a divorce?"

To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres."

"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the attorney.

"No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?"

Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a carport."

At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, "Look, Lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce?"

"Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!"

Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
→ To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
→ A tick falls off you when you die !

What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
→ There are skid marks in front of the dog!

What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer?
→ A Doberman.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
→ One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets, what should you do?
→ Shoot the lawyer, twice !!

What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician?
→ Chelsea Clinton.

It was so cold around here last winter, (how cold was it?) I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets !

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier?
→ Lipstick !

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from a plane?
→ Skeet.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
→ Not enough sand.

Why has there never been a reported case of a shark biting a lawyer?
→ Professional courtesy !

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a lost hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
→ The old drunk, of course; all of the other three are mythical creatures!

Why do Lawyers smell?
→ So the blind can hate them, too!

What's the difference between a road-killed deer and a road-killed lawyer?
→ There's skid marks in front of the deer!

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"

The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"