Lawyer Jokes — best jokes

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?!"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied.

"I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

What is the difference between a good Lawyer and a great Lawyer?
→ A good Lawyer knows the law and a great Lawyer knows the Judge!!!

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court". These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.

What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

How old is your son--the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.

What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.

And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and500.

Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: and, before the accident? A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or a cult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.

Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Were you present when your picture was taken?

Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

How many times have you committed suicide?

She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?

You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wifeQ: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
→ One in a million become a human being.

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said..."Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!"

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.

The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but, I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars....following him.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah sir, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer!"

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

"Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"

"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from!"

A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding.

"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"

"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be."

"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow.

The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed!"

Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

Proctologist: A brain surgeon for lawyers.

Proctologist: the rare profession in which the M.D. starts out at the bottom and stays there.

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.

When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?"

"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"