Lawyer Jokes — best jokes

What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
→ A good start!

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies!

This one big lawyer from the city decided to take time away from his busy day and went out to the farm and shot a duck.

The farmer walks out Of his building upon hearing the shot and screams at the city guy - "HEY You Cant shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!" The city guy says, 'Hell no I shot him so I get to keep him!'

The farmer and the city boy decide to settle it country style (which is to kick each other in the nuts till the other one falls over) So the farmer goes first and slams the city boy a nice hard stiff kick. Upon receiving the kick, the city boy damn near colllapses from the pain.

The city boy regains his balance And studders "Its my turn" The famer looks at him and says - "aw Hell, keep the damn duck!"

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor's only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer

"Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave."

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."

The priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It's all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."

Well, the lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!"

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."

"Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I as driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.
4. A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ...pow!...it was.. all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhh my wife found out!"
5. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!" The man responds, "I don't care... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
9. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
10. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose would you go to lunch or to a movie?
11. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.

A man calls his lawyers office. When the receptionist answers the phone he asks to speak to Mr. Taylor, his lawyer.

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but Mr. Taylor died last week." The man says nothing and hangs up the phone.

The next day he calls the office and again asks for Mr. Taylor. The receptionist says, "Sir, I told you yesterday that Mr. Taylor has died." The man again says nothing and hangs up the phone.

The next day he calls the office again and asks for his lawyer. The receptionist gets angry and says "Sir, I have told you for two days that Mr. Taylor has passed away. Why do you continue to call?"

The man then answers "I like hearing good news when I call my lawyers office."

Three men meet up on the deck of the rapidly sinking Titanic, a Lawyer, a Catholic Priest and a Social Worker.

They notice that there are only three seats left on the last lifeboat and there are three children standing nearby.

- Social worker: We should give these seats to the children.

- Lawyer: Dont be stupid, fuck the children!

- Catholic priest: Do you really think we've got time?

Amazing and true lawyer statements. Lawyers typically aren't funny - unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3. What happened then?
   → He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
   Did he kill you?
4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6. Were you alone or by yourself.
7. How long have you been a French Canadian?
8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9. I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
   → That's me.
   Were you present when that picture was taken?
10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
    → By death.
    And by whose death was it terminated?
12. Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
    → I'll be three months on November 8.
    Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
    → Yes.
    What were you doing at that time?
13. Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
    → I used to be.
    How many times have you committed suicide?
14. So you were gone until you returned?
15. She had three children, right?
    → Yes.
    How many were boys?
    → None.
    Were there girls?
16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17. You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
    → Yes.
    And these stairs, did they go up also?
18. Have you lived in this town all your life?
    → Not yet.
19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
20. Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
    → It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
    And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that so?
    → No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

What happens when you give Viagra to a Lawyer?
→ He gets taller!