Kids Jokes — best jokes

A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with Sidney. He called me a sissy."

"What did you do?" the mother asked.

"I hit him with my purse!"

A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class. She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.

"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm. Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "at our house, we have everything."

"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."

"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."

"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.

"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said "God, that's all we needed."

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

A young girl is with her dad at the barbers eating some candy, when it slips from her fingers into a pile of hair on the floor. "Oh dear, have you got hair on your candy?" asked the barber. "Don't be so stupid, I'm only three!!" said the girl!

A little boy was excited about his first day at school.

So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked him to be quick.

Five minutes later he returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.

The teacher sat him down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. The boy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way. Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So two fellas go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Jon, "Well, did you find it?"

Jon is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards"

A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.

In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is," then she walked over to the next child.

The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David."

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."

Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were.

"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.

"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said.

"That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass in 10 years... so lick that!"

A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."

"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"

"He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed."