Kids Jokes — best jokes

A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could. 'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a car.' Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty. 'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.' Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet. 'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you ever want to see your mother again...'

Little Johnny was late for school. When he finally got there his teacher asked, "Why are you late little Johnny?"

Johnny replied, "My grandpa got burnt, Miss."

The teacher replied, "I hope it wasn't too bad."

Then little Johnny said, "Don't worry, the crematorium doesn't muck around!"

Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, "What's that, Miss?"

Miss decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your Daddy calls Mummy, Tommy."

Tommy thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss, I know that ain't a fucking pig!"

Two kindergarten girls were talking outside: one said, "You won't believe what I saw on the patio yesterday--a condom!"

The second girl asked, "What's a patio?"

A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top.

She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.

Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said, "Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with the brown nose."

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy" he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

"Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"

Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks "What's that mum?" His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following, "That's where your dad accidentially hit me with an axe!" and little Harry replies, "Good shot, right in the CUNT!"

When the boy started Kindergarten, the teacher asked all the children to give their first name. When she got to the little boy in the second row, he said: "I'll give you a hint. First it's in your hand, then it's in your mouth, and then it's in your tummy."

The teacher smiled and said: "OK, Dick, sit down."

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom& Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"