Kids Jokes — best jokes

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

- Vicar: Whats that you're doing, Tommy?

- Tommy: Sticking bangers up frogs arses, Vicar.

- Vicar: Rectum, Tommy.

- Tommy: Blows 'em to fucking pieces, Vicar!

Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom.

"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.

His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son.

"I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice," replied his father.

Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?"

A youngster devoted an entire rainy indoors afternoon to a drawing he was doing with varicolored crayons. His mother finally looked over his shoulder, and, puzzled, asked "Who's that you're drawing, son?"

The son answered, "God."

"Don't be silly," reproved the mother. "Nobody knows what God looks like."

Not even pausing in his task, the son announced calmly, "They will when I'm finished!"

What is the difference between boogers and spinach?
→ You can't get your kids to eat spinach.

Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't ask it again.

He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.

The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.

Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question again. He went away.

A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She asked what he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly told her he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at her driver's license.

He said, "Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in sex."

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration.

With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.

Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.

"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

Little Johnny is in class. The teacher is going through the alphabet, having each child think up a word that starts with a letter. They get to "W", and the teacher figures Little Johnny can't think up anything dirty with a "W" so she calls on him.

"Womb!", Little Johnny says.

"That's a good word, Johnny", teacher says. "Is that as in where babies come from?" she asks.

"No", says Johnny, "That's the sound elephants make when they're screwing... you know, "Womb! Womb! Womb!"

Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. "The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," she said.

"Oh good," he said, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"