Food Jokes — best jokes

This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop.

He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over.

He goes up to the counter and says, "Banana Split, please."

The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts?"

The old man says, "No, Arthritis!"

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.
10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles................

Are you ready for this? :)............

The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses!"

Why are married women heavier than single women?
→ Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed, and they go to the fridge.

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of idiot to forget to eat!

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch... do it and die!"

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

• Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some.
• You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.
• Coffee never runs out.
• No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
• You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
• When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
• Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
• Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.
• White men can take black coffee home to their parents.
• Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it.
• You can always heat up coffee.
• Coffee smells and looks good in the morning.
• If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
• Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting. Bernie turns to Marv and says, "Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too."

Marv smiles and says, "Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?"

Bernie says, "You're going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?" Marv grins again, "Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me..."

"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife...

"Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?"

20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex!

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

Two potatoes are standing on the street corner.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
→ It's the one with the little sticker that says IDAHO.

There was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals - "Crisco? Crisco? CRIS--CO!!!!"

Finally a store clerk approached.

"Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five."

"Oh," replied the old guy, "I'm not looking for Crisco, I'm calling my wife."

"Your wife is named "Crisco?"

"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we come to the supermarket."

"Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?"

"Lard Ass!"