Food Jokes — best jokes

Have you heard about the new low-fat communion bread?

It's called "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus"!

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00

Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill.

He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"

The man replies "Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

A Jewish family invited their Redneck neighbors over for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is soup made with matzoh balls."

On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the redneck man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple urged him to, "Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."

Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual mmmm sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup.

"That was delicious," he said, but I was wondering...

"Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?"

A young boy had a job bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store decided to install a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

The young lad was most intrigued by this machine, and he asked if he could be allowed to work the machine. The manager refused, but the youngster couldn't understand why not.

The store manager explained it to him: "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

Here is a story about a famous food critic's recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cusine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home.

Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.

The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monestary, and so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers.

So he quickly ran down the street to the monestary and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the "Fish Friar."

The brother repiled, "Nope, I'm the Chip Monk!"

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge," he squeaks?

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge!," he roars?

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"

"It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first."

"It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up."

"It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee."

"It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away."

"It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper."

"It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table."

"It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish."

"And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear' with your presence, ...listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time..."

"I haven't made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!"

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.

The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggie.

"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie.

"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggie.

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggie.

"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggie.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?"

The third piggies says, "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"

Dear Friend, It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pillsbury Spokesman. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Long time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

Martha Stewart vs Me...

Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

Martha's way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

Martha's way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

Martha's way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"
My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad.
My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

Martha's way: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

Martha's way: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Martha's way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

Martha's way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

Martha's way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?

Martha's way: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Martha's way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Martha's way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.

• Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
• Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
• Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
• Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.