Elderly Jokes — best jokes

An old man goes to the doctor and says "Dr., I don't know what's wrong with me. My dick is orange."

The Dr. tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look. He has no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently painted anything orange.

The old man said "No."

The Dr. thinks for a minute and then asks the guy if he has recently been exposed to any chemicals at work.

The old man said "No, I'm retired."

The Dr. then asks the guy if he could have been working with any chemicals in his garage.

The old man replied "No Dr., I told you, I'm retired. All I do is sit around all day, watch pornos and eat Cheetos..."

Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old. He walks into the local bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear about his wedding night.

Jake says, "Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up the stairs, undressed me, and lifted me onto the bed with my bride, so's me and her could spend the night together. The next morning all three of my sons came upstairs and lifted me off of her."

The bartender says, "Why did it take three sons to get you off?"

Jake says, "I fought 'em."

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

- Doctor: What was the problem?

- Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth.... still nothing.

- Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

- Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden. Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground. "You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man. Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.

After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.

"Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.

Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar. "Grampa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar."

"No," replied grampa, "That dollar's from grandma!"

Yo moma is so old she knew the Great Wall of China when it was just ok

Yo mama is so old that her bus pass is in hieroglyphics!!

Yo Mama soooo old she was wearing a Jesus starter jacket!

Yo mama so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.

Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs.

Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.