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Dumb Jokes — best jokes

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  • Lights not burning too bright.
  • Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top.
  • Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
  • Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
  • Likes dunking for french fries.
  • Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / jumped the track.
  • Lives in La-la-land.
  • Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
  • Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
  • Long on dry wall, short on studs.
  • Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.
  • Looks for the "Any" key.
  • Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
  • Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
  • Low on thinking gas.
  • Low-bandwidth as an information source.
  • Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
  • Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
  • Mainspring's wound too tight.
  • Makes a black hole look bright.
  • Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good.
  • Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written.
  • Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test.
  • Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
  • Metronome needs oil.
  • Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind.
  • Mind like a steel sieve.
  • Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice / nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut.
  • Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
  • Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.
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  • Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
  • Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland.
  • Mooring lines don't reach the dock.
  • More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
  • Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
  • Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.
  • Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
  • Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
  • Needs another brain to make half-wit.
  • Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
  • Needs front end alignment.
  • Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
  • Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
  • Network constantly loses packets.
  • Neurons are firing non-sequentially.
  • Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum.
  • Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson
  • Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
  • Nine pence in the shilling.
  • Nine rooms no furniture.
  • Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
  • No charge in her synapses.
  • No coins in the old fountain.
  • No filter in the coffeemaker.
  • No grain in the silo.
  • No hands on the rudder/yoke.
  • No hay in the loft.
  • No one at the throttle.
  • No wind in her mind's windmills.
  • Not all his dogs are barking.
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  • Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
  • Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
  • Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
  • Not done evolving yet.
  • Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
  • Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
  • Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
  • Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
  • Not enough sense to stay out in the rain. (Like a 60's flower child.)
  • Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
  • Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight.
  • Not hard-docked.
  • Not inflated to 90 PSI.
  • Not Intel Inside. (Or, given Pentium problems, just: Intel inside.)
  • Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.
  • Not only rude, but ugly too.
  • Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game).
  • Not running on full thrusters.
  • Not shooting pool on a level table.
  • Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree / light in the harbor.
  • Not the full quid.
  • Not the same since they took him off his medication.
  • Not the sharpest knife in the drawer / tool in the shed.
  • Not Turing equivalent.
  • Not wrapped too tight.
  • Nothing between the stethoscopes.
  • Nothing on her radar.
  • Numb as a post / pounded thumb.
  • Number 'n a hake. (New England expression a notoriously stupid fish.)
  • Nutty as a fruitcake.
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  • Off by one.
  • Off his rocker/trolley.
  • Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.
  • On permanent leave of absence from his senses.
  • On the batting end of a no-hitter.
  • One bit short of a byte/word.
  • One board short of a porch.
  • One boot stuck in the sand.
  • One bumper/rail short of a bank shot.
  • One bun/donut short of a dozen.
  • One car short of a chase scene.
  • One card/marble shy of a full deck.
  • One chip short of a megabyte.
  • One clearance short of landing/taking off.
  • One color short of color-coordinated.
  • One diamond short of a ring.
  • One dimension short of reality.
  • One drool bib short of neat and tidy.
  • One drop short of an empty bladder.
  • One flower short of an arrangement.
  • One flying buttress short of a cathedral.
  • One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
  • One fruit short of a basket.
  • One gene short of a full chromosome.
  • One goose short of a gaggle.
  • One handle short of a suitcase.
  • One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
  • One inspection short of passing.
  • One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
  • One miracle wouldn't be enough to help him.
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  • One node short of a network.
  • One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
  • One pane short of a window.
  • One pearl short of a necklace.
  • One prayer short of absolution.
  • One press short of a CAPS LOCK key. (Types all uppercase.)
  • One punch/swing/hit short of a fight.
  • One sentence short of a paragraph.
  • One shade short of a rainbow.
  • One shingle shy of a roof, and the water's getting in.
  • One ship short of a full fleet.
  • One side short of a pentagon.
  • One signature short of a book.
  • One sleeve/button short of a shirt.
  • One snowflake short of a ski slope.
  • One song short of a musical.
  • One span short of a bridge.
  • One step short of the attic.
  • One strawberry short of a quart.
  • One strike past being called out.
  • One sub short of a party platter.
  • One taco/enchilada short of a combination plate.
  • One teabag short of a pot.
  • One tower short of a castle.
  • One tree short of a hammock.
  • One vine short of the tree. (For Tarzan types.)
  • One weight short of a shipwreck.
  • Only one oar in the water.
  • Only playing with 51 cards.
  • Only playing with the jokers
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  • Operating in stand-by mode.
  • Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
  • Out there where the buses don't run.
  • Outlet isn't grounded.
  • Over the rainbow.
  • Overdue for reincarnation.
  • Overruns above 110 baud.
  • Paged/swapped out.
  • Paralyzed from the neck up.
  • Parents beat him with an ugly stick.
  • Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
  • Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
  • People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.
  • Perfect chassis, bad driver.
  • Perfect face for Halloween.
  • Perfect percussionist for an acapella group (duh, duh, duh...)
  • Perfect training subject for apprentice hypnotists.
  • Permanently out to lunch.
  • Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
  • Phototrophic on a better day.
  • Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
  • Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.
  • Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
  • Playing hockey with a warped puck.
  • Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.
  • Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
  • Plays solitaire... for cash.
  • Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.
  • Plenty of myelin but not enough neurons.
  • Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.
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  • Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later.
  • Prefers three left turns to one right turn.
  • Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
  • Produces a zero-length core dump.
  • Proof God has a sense of humor.
  • Proof of Einstein's theory that there is no limit to human stupidity.
  • Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
  • Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.
  • Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
  • Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea on a six lane highway.
  • Qualifies for the mental express line -- five thoughts or less. -- MacNelly
  • Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one line of wisdom in the middle.
  • Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
  • Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
  • Reads her newspaper back-to-front.
  • Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
  • Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
  • Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
  • Receiver is off the hook.
  • Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
  • Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
  • Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it's an old copy.
  • Reset line is glitching.
  • Result of a first cousin marriage.
  • Result of God's experiments to see if humans can function without a brain.
  • Room for rent, unfurnished.
  • RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
  • Running at 300 baud.
  • Running on a 286.
  • Running open. (Old mechanical teletype term.)
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  • Running U.S. appliances on British current.
  • Runs squares around the competition.
  • Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
  • S p a c e d o u t .
  • Sailboat fuel for brains.
  • Sat under the ozone hole too long.
  • Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
  • Serving donuts on another planet.
  • Settled some during shipping and handling.
  • Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
  • Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
  • Several nuts short of a full pouch.
  • Sharp, like stone in river. Swift, like tree through forest.
  • She only packed half a sandwich.
  • She only schedules zombie processes.
  • She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
  • She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes.
  • She's a screensaver: Looks good, but useless.
  • Short a few cards.
  • Short-circuited between the earphones.
  • Should be the poster child for family planning.
  • Should have kept his helmet on while riding / playing.
  • Single-sided, low density.
  • Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church.
  • Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
  • Skylight leaks a little.
  • Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
  • Slinky's kinked.
  • Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
  • Slow as molasses in January.
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  • Slow out of the gate.
  • Smarter than the average bear.
  • Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
  • So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
  • So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
  • So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
  • So dumb, he faxes face up.
  • So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
  • So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
  • So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.
  • So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
  • So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.
  • So stupid, he tries to drown fish.
  • So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
  • So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
  • Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
  • Some Assembly Required.
  • Some bugs in his software.
  • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
  • Some of her inodes have nodded off.
  • Some pages missing.
  • Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
  • Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check.
  • Someday when she's younger...
  • Someone blew out his pilot light.
  • Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
  • Someone let the air out of her lock.
  • Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
  • Source code is missing a few lines.
  • Speaks math/FORTRAN better than English.
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  • Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
  • Still boots to DOS.
  • Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
  • Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi".
  • Stocksy-babes. (A truly vile British-slang insult.)
  • Strong, like bull. Smart, like tractor. Beautiful, like KV-2. (A WWII era Russian tank.)
  • Stuck on the down escalator of life.
  • Stumped by anything child-proof.
  • Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
  • Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
  • Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay.
  • Surfing in Nebraska.
  • Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
  • Takes her 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
  • Takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
  • Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged around the block by it.
  • Talks to plants on their own level.
  • Team player... No chance he'll develop a personality on his own.
  • Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. -- Lilly Tomlin
  • The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason
  • The butter slipped off his noodle.
  • The cheese slid off his cracker.
  • The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty.
  • The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
  • The going got weird, and he turned pro.
  • The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
  • The perfect personality to write software manuals.
  • The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
  • The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
  • The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
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