Dumb Jokes — best jokes

Random joke from this category

Weird Reference Questions

These "Weird Reference Questions" are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a "better idiot" can be invented.

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?" hahahaha... what a bone head!

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?" hmmm...
I don't recollect any camera-toting cavemen...do you?

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck." (No...that's your brain miss-firing.)

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months." (I know...how about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!)

"I need a color photograph of George Washington." (Ok...hold on... I'll check with the caveman...)

"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) This one gets the golden stupidity award!

Insurance Claim Statements

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

  • Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
  • I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  • The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
  • I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
  • I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
  • I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
  • To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
  • An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
  • I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
  • The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
  • I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
  • In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  • I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
  • The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

Bush And Cheney

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.

"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid!"

"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner...

You could have called instead?"

Expressing Stupidity

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...

  • An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
  • As smart as bait.
  • Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
  • Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
  • Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
  • Forgot to pay his brain bill.
  • His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
  • If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
  • Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
  • Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
  • Receiver is off the hook.
  • Surfing in Nebraska.
  • An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
  • A few beers short of a six-pack.
  • A few peas short of a casserole.
  • The cheese slid off his cracker.
  • Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
  • Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
  • He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
  • Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Joe's Anniversary Dinner

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?"

Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

The Moose Costume

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.

Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool) They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.

They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him!"

After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts, "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!"

The front guy says, "Well, I'm gonna start nibbling grass, but you better start to brace yourself!"

The Redneck Carpenter

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.

One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house..."

Stupid Park Ranger Questions

Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.

(Source: Outside Magazine)

Grand Canyon National Park...

  • Was this man-made?
  • Do you light it up at night?
  • I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?
  • So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park...

  • Are the alligators real?
  • Are the baby alligators for sale?
  • Where are all the rides?
  • What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)...

  • What time do you feed the bears?
  • Can you show me where the yeti lives?
  • How often do you mow the tundra?
  • How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park...

  • Did people build this, or did Indians?
  • Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
  • What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?
  • Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
  • Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park...

  • How much of the cave is underground?
  • So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
  • Does it ever rain in here?
  • How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
  • So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park...

  • Where are the cages for the animals?
  • What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
  • Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park...

  • Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
  • How do you turn it on?
  • When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
  • We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

Exam for Athletes

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: (20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

  1. What language is spoken in Germany?
  2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.
  3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
    (a) build a bridge
    (b) lead an army or
    (c) WRITE A PLAY
  4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
    (a) Jewish
    (b) Catholic
    (c) Hindu
    (d) Polish
  5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?
  6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?
  7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
  8. What are people in America's far NORTH called?
    (a) Westerners
    (b) Southerners
    (c) NORTHerners
  9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)
  10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
  11. Where does rain come from?
    (a) Wall Mart
    (b) Kmart
    (c) Canada
    (d) the sky
  12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
    (a) yes
    (b) no
  13. What are coat hangers used for?
  14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?
  15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.
  16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?
  17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
    (a) Minnnesota
    (b) Florida
    (c) Canada
    (d) Wisconsin
  18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?
  19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
  20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
    (a) B.C
    (b) A.D.

Having A Bad Day

Think you're having a bad day.... check it out these actual cases.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scubatanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.

They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handyplank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?