Dumb Jokes — best jokes

The following riddles and jokes were made up by BADJOKE.EXE, an MS-DOS program. You probably haven't heard most of them. Please try not to laugh too hard and feel free to flame as much as you like--we are all like passengers on the deck of the Titanic discussing what we're going to do when we get to shore.

How can you tell when a mechanic has been behind your nuclear warhead?
→ There are nubile lambchops all over your pizza!

How can you tell when a pope has been coming towards your spaceship?
→ There are laughing travelling salesmen in your banana!

How do you get 100 gargoyles into a nuclear warhead?
→ Throw in a lawn sprinkler!

Why do motorcycles fold born-again eyeballs?
→ To diaper their skyscrapers!

Why do policemen have toilets?
→ So that yaks will disobey them!

What do you get when you cross a Barbie doll and a banana?
→ An angry nurse!

What did the Democrat say to the kettle drum?
→ "Ignore my eyeball, you square baby!"

What did the finger say ot the lawn sprinkler?
→ "Enlist my meatgrinder, you born-again cockroach!"

How can you tell when a water cooler has been beside your mule?
→ There are schizophrenic bathtubs all over your skyscraper!

Why do nuclear warheads have televisions?
→ So that photocopiers will interrogate them!

Who was that baby I saw you with last night?
→ That was no baby, that was my senator!

What do a hot toddler and a fossilized kneecap have in common?
→ The both eat flying hairballs!

When is a toothbrush not a toothbrush?
→ When it's a flabby cornfield!

What do you call a garbageman who has married milkmen beside him?
→ A Communist!

Waiter, there's a cranberry near my polar ice cap!
→ Shhh! Everyone will want one!

Why do yaks have fingers?
→ So that Hare Krishnas will break them!

How do you get 100 horses into a drainpipe?
→ Throw in a teapot!

What do you get when you cross an escalator and a grandmother?
→ A thirsty spatula!

What do a lovesick armadillo and a grouchy tank have in common?
→ They both smash lazy lollipops!

Why do popes bathe automatic horses?
→ To satisfy their SubGeniuses!

What time is it when a kettle drum steals your senator?
→ Time to get a new senator!

What do a married shark and a left-handed pocketwatch have in common?
→ They both visit hi-rise armadillos!

What do you call a guru who has yawning armadillos inside him?
→ A violin!

Why do ex-convicts have televisions?
→ So that toilets will dissect them!

How do you get 100 beds into a Barbie doll?
→ Throw in a toenail!

When is a cornfield not a cornfield?
→ When it's a worthless whale!

How can you tell when a senator has been inside your bed?
→ There are hi-rise parking tickets up against your toilet!

Why do TV repairmen have beds?
→ So that VCRs will visit them!

When is a pencil sharpener not a pencil sharpener?
→ When it's a religious milk shake!

What do a green photocopier and a gaudy farmer have in common?
→ They both buy yellow prunes!

Why do armadillos have babies?
→ So that snakes will steal them!

What do a greedy teapot and a housebroken phonebook have in common?
→ They both stall born-again BMWs!

What did the toothbrush say to the sloth?
→ "Smash my horse, please!"

How do you get 100 bums into a hovercraft?
→ Throw in a vicar!

What did the toenail say to the cookie jar?
→ "Disobey my eyelid, you drunk landmine!"

Why did the Hare Krishna marry his cornfield?
→ To enshrine its solar-powered parking ticket!

When is an insurance salesman not an insurance salesman?
→ When he's a beautiful grandmother!

What do a mellow puppy and an overworked shark have in common?
→ They both toast gold-plated giraffes!

What do you get when you cross a skyscraper and a TV repairman?
→ A holographic chicken!

What time is it when a fly swatter touches your toothbrush?
→ Time to get a new toothbrush!

Why do demons have aerobics instructors?
→ So that ostriches will cross-examine them!

What do you call a waitress who has brain-damaged pianos on her?
→ A lima bean!

What do an awe-inspiring fly swatter and a cheap flea have in common?
→ They both bounce wacky gods!

What time is it when a SubGenius cross-examines your kneecap?
→ Time to get a new kneecap!

Why do grandmothers enshrine hyperactive sharks?
→ To befriend their prunes!

Why do toddlers have gargoyles?
→ So that forks will marry them!

A little kid comes running into the backyard.

He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"

"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."

UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM
SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
(Time Limit: 3 Weeks)

1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (please check only one answer) (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987)

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

What happened then?
→ He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

She had three children, right?
→ Yes.

How many were boys?
→ None.

Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
→ That's me.

Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
→ Yes.

And these stairs, did they go up also?

Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
→ By death.

And by whose death was it terminated?

Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
→ I'll be three months on March 12th.

Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
→ Yes.

What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
→ I used to be.

How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Have you lived in this town all your life?
→ Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
→ It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.

And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
→ No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.

- Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!

- Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!

What is your date of birth?
→ July fifteenth.

What year?
→ Every year.

The Arkansas lad was obviously deeply troubled.

"Why so glum, Chum?" asked the kindly stranger.

"If my parents get divorced...will they still be brother and sister?"

It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to look at it. "Well, Paddy, What do you think?"

"Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one". They come upon another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it. "How about this one, Paddy?" "Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking".

This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and hungry. "Well, Paddy, what do we do now?" "Shaun, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."