Doctor Jokes — best jokes

What do you call a python with a great bedside manner?
→ A snake charmer.

- Doctor: And did you drink your medicine after your bath, Mrs Soap?

- Mrs Soap: No, doctor. By the time I'd drunk the bath there wasn't room for medicine.

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

- Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.

- Have you tried counting sheep?

- That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room. He instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups. As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm". He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.

"Oh, that," he says. "I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."

The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

This chick walks into a doctor's office and the nurse tells her to take off her clothes and that the doctor will be with her in a minute, so she does. The doctor walks in and take off his coat and starts to feel between her thighs. He asks "do you know what I'm doing now" and she replies "you're checking for menopause" and he says "very good". Then he starts feeling her tits and he asks her "do you know what I'm doing now" and she says "checking for breast cancer" and he says "very good".

Then he jumps on her and starts rooting her and asks if she knows what he's doing now and she replies "contracting genital herpes cause that's why I came to see you"

A young woman goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

There was this guy who was sick so he went to the doctor. The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor called and the wife answered. "I'm going to have to run a few more tests", the doctor said "I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample".

After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?" "Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear".

A man walks into a doctors office one day with a frog on his head.

He sits down and the doctor says, "What's the problem?"

The frog says, "Doctor, is there any way you can get this wart off my ass?"

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"