Random joke from this category
A husband and wife enter a dentist's office. The Wife says, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," says the dentist, "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor's only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.
"Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave."
After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."
The priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It's all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."
Well, the lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!"
A patient says to his doctor, "Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I can't think straight! I need help!". Doctor says to patient, "You know what? I used to have the same problem, and whenever I do get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favourite meal, rubs my toes, kiss my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!"
... next day... patient says, "Hey doc! Thanks for ur advice. It worked!". Doctor says, "Oh really? That's good to hear!". "Oh by the way, " Patient says, "You've got a great house!"
Guy goes to the doctor to get the results of a health check.
- I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first?
- Good news first.
- OK, You got 24 hours to live
- Dang, whats the bad news!
- I shoulda' told you yesterday!
What did the blonde say when the docter told her one leg was bigger than the other?
→ Like, Not even!
- Patient: Doctor, I feel like a bridge.
- Doctor: What's comes over you?
- Patient: 2 trucks, 4 vans and 8 cars
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me"?
After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try...on the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "what the *@#% was that? The wife explains, "oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping".
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!!!"
Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by.
After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival.
First, fix him three healthy meals a day.
Next, give him a stress-free environment and don't complain about anything.
Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day."
The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband's room.
"What did the doctor say?" he asked.
"I'm sorry, m'dear," she said, "but he said you're not going to make it."
A lady says to her doctor, "My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything."
The doctor examines her, and then says, "You need an operation."
She asks, "On my vagina?"
He says, "No. On your nose!"
A doctor from Canada was having an affair with one of his female co-workers.
One day she announced to him that she was pregnant with his child. The doctor gave her enough money to fly to California and live their until the child was born. He gave her instructions to send him a postcard with the word SAURKRAUT on it when she gave birth.
About nine months later the doctor arrived home when his wife handed him a postcard. "Here", she said. "This came in the mail today".
The doctor took the postcard and it read... SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT TWO WITH WEINERS & ONE WITHOUT!
