Dirty Jokes — best jokes

A decorated war veteran, fresh off the bus, is looking for a place to stay. He hears that room and board is available from the three old spinsters at the edge of town, but is advised they are very picky in letting strangers stay there. He decides to chance it, and limps on up to the front door.

His knock is answered by Gladys. she asks him:

- What do you want, sonny?

- Ma'am, I'm just looking for a hot meal and a room for the night - he answers.

The other two old spinsters gather around the door.

- Who's out there? Does he look decent? - they ask.

Gladys says:

- It's a soldier, and he's got a Purple Heart on.

The other two spinsters giggle and say:

- The hell with what color it is...let him in!

Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater.

- That man beside me is fumbling his crotch - one whispers to the other.

- Just ignore it - is the answer.

- Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!

A woman in the labor ward of the general hospital, legs spread wide, lets out a loud yell and out pops a little black head.

- There was this black guy once - she said to the midwife. Then she screamed again and out pops a yellow body.

- That must be the Chinese guy I slept with - she said. Then one more scream and the baby's white legs were born.

- Ah - that was the husbands bit - she said.

The doctor held up the multicolored baby and gave it a slap, then baby started crying. The woman looked at the doctor & said:

- Thank fuck for that, I thought it was going to bark !!!

A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink....he notices that at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever seen....he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have her....

He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any Spanish-fly in the back....the bartender says he will check and comes back a couple of minutes later with a small packet of white powder....he says to the man...:

- this isn't Spanish-fly, we are all out of that....but this is just as good....this is Jewish-fly, and it is guaranteed to get her over here within twenty minutes after she takes it!

so the man forks over his $10 and asks the bartender to put the Jewish-fly into a champagne cocktail and deliver it to the gorgeous creature with his compliments.....

The woman drinks the champagne cocktail and looks at our hero rather disinterestedly.....but about twenty minutes later she slinks off her barstool....she saunters across the room toward our hero in a most seductive manner....oozing sensuality....our hero is terrifically excited....she reaches him and puts one lithe arm around his shoulders and leans in close to his ear...he can feel her breath on his neck....and she whispers:

- Hey big boy....want to go shopping?

Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local minister comes walking around the corner.

The minister says:

- My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving that sheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?

The farmer says:

- I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her!

A Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail with hard on. The Cowboy asks, "What are you doing?" Indian says, "Me tellum time." Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the same. Says, "You telling time?" "Yup." "How can you tell time like that?" Indian says, "Workum like sundial, readum shadow." Cowboy, incredulous, rides on. Encounters Indian in trail masturbating. Cowboy says, "Let me guess, you're telling time too." Indian says, "Nope. But me windum clock!"

A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?" She replied, "Last week." The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?" "Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was assaulted until the check bounced."

Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said:

- This one will go a little over a 100

Astonished the Yankee said:

- Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way

The farmer laughed and called to his young son:

- Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man

The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said:

- This here pig weighs about 100 pounds

The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said:

- Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman

Joan, a rather well-proportioned & near-sighted secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but always removed her glasses for an even facial tan. After several days she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

- Excuse me, miss - said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

- The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have for the past week.

- What difference does it make? - Joan asked rather calmly.

- No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.

- Not exactly - said the embarrassed little man.

- You're lying on the dining room skylight!

A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he's reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot... "Kitza kitza..."

She says:

- Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?

He says:

- I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page.