Dirty Jokes — best jokes

What do people do for fun on Halloween?
→ They monsterbate.

What's the best thing about a blow job?
→ The 15 minutes of silence!

When you go to the hospital how do you find the head nurse?
→ Look for the nurse with dirty knees and swollen lips!

How do you make love to a fat girl?
→ Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot.

Two GIs in the Vietnam war have been stuck in a trench for three days when one needs a shit.

- I can't go in here, it's really going to stink.

- There's another trench over there.

- I'll cover you with the M60... just give me a shout and I'll cover you so you can get back.

- OK.

So the GI runs across while the other fires off the machine gun.

He's waiting 10 minutes... 15... 20... he shouts out:

- Are you OK?... nothing.

Over an hour later he hears his mate shouting.

- Cover me, I'm coming back!

When he jumps back in, his mate says:

- Where the fuck have you been? You've been gone for over an hour.

- Yeah, I know. There's a girl in there, I played with her tits, fondled her arse, turned her round and fucked her from behind!

- It was great!

- You lucky bastard - said the other.

- Did you get a blow job?

- Nah - said the other, disappointedly.

- She didn't have a head.

Did you hear about the woman who only had two chances to get pregnant?
→ She blew them both...

On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said:

- You'll have to wait.

- But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now.

- Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs.

- Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room.

So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks.

- Go away! - says the madam.

- We don't allow drunks in here!

- I don't want in - says the drunk.

- I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down.

97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.

He says:

- Doc, I think I'm impotent.

Doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens, about how as the body ages bodily functions slow down and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in sexual desire. How the man shouldn't worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah. Finally the doctor asks:

- When did you first begin to think you were impotent?

- Three times last night, and again this morning.

Why does Mary Lou Retton smile so much?
→ Because she found out what the big boys eat.

Have you heard about the new Mechanical Whore?
→ She gives a licking and keeps on ticking.