Dirty Jokes — best jokes

- Want a quickie?

- As opposed to what?

Three guys are discussing women.

- I like to watch a woman's tits best - the first guy says.

The second says:

- I like to look at a woman's ass.

He asks the third guy:

- What about you?

- Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her:

- Do you know what I'm doing?

- Yes - she replied - you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.

- That is right - said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts.

- Do you know what I'm doing now? - he asked.

- Yes - the woman said - you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.

- Correct - replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked:

- Do you know what I'm doing now?

- Yes - she said.

- You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place.

What is the difference between a Certificate of Deposit and Intercourse?
→ A Certificate of Deposit has significant penalty for early withdrawal.

This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop.

An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over and says he'll give her a ride home.

On the way he looks her over and says:

- You're a pretty good looking old broad. I'll pay you ten bucks for a piece of ass.

She says:

- What???!!!

But then thinks that the old age check isn't due for 5 more days, so she agrees.

They are lying on the bed after it's over having the usual smoke and he says to her:

- Geez, if I had known that you were a virgin I would have offered you $20.00!

She looks back at him and says:

- If I had known you could get it up I would have taken off my pantyhose!

How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?
→ He forgot to wrap his whopper.

Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon".

The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.

Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.

After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the King finally spoke out:

- I have the mightiest weapon of them all!

He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not even a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."

What's the difference between hard and light?
→ You can sleep with a light on.

A little girl goes into the toilet and sees her dad having a shower.

It's at that moment she spots his penis. Pointing at it she says...:

- Daddy, daddy, when will I get one of those?

The dad looks at the little girl, looks out the door, looks back at the little girl and winks...:

- When your mommy goes to the mall!

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
→ A 40ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.