Dirty Jokes — best jokes

A man goes into a doctor's office and says:

- Doctor! Doctor! I have five penises!

The doctor says:

- Good lord! How do your pants fit?

The man replies:

- Like a glove.

The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S

- What's that?, the patient asks.

- It's a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis.

The patient wants to know if there's a cure, to which the Doctor responds:

- We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but pancackes.

- Why only pancackes?, asks the patient.

- They're the only thing that will fit under the door, the Doctor answers.

A midget walks into the doctors and says:

- Doc, I've got these fucking itchy balls and I can't do anything to stop 'em itching.

The Doc says:

- I can see the problem and I'll fix it for ya. So the Doc pulls out a pair of scissors and tells the Midget to close his eyes. The midget hears snip, snip snip noises for about 5 minutes.

The doc finishes and says:

- How's that?

The midget says:

- Fucking brilliant, what did you do?

The Doc says:

- I trimmed back your high boots

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him.

- You know, - said the doctor - you really have to learn to trust me.

This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face.

- Doc, - he says - I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again.

- What dream? - asked the shrink, not really paying attention.

- You know, - says the man - the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?

Here's a pretty nasty one:

Why are they having such a hard time finding a cure for AIDS?
→ The scientists can't get the mice to butt fuck.

A girl goes to the doctor. She says:

- Doc, I'm freakin' out...

- I'm freakin' out...my pee's coming out in four streams.

He says:

- Get up on the table and I'll see what I can do.

She gets up on the table, and as he's examining her, he starts to giggle.

She says:

- It's not funny. My pee's coming out in four streams.

He says:

- It won't anymore. I took the trouser button out of there.

What's a definition of a gynecologist?
→ Gynecologist is a person who looks for problems in a place where most people find pleasure

Name something a duck can do, that a doctor won't.
→ Stick his bill up his ass.

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office.

- You know, Doc, - he said.

- I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand.

- And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions, - the medic said.

- Hell, no, - the old fellow replied.

- I want to borrow your Lamborghini.