Dirty Jokes — best jokes

How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time
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How to Satisfy a Man Every Time
Show up naked.

This male prostitute contracted leprosy.

He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name:

- Fred - he replies.

- Fred what? - the officer asks.

- Just Fred - the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it:

- Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?

The man replies:

- It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

- After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.

- Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

- Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred.

The officer let him go without even a warning.

- How did it happen? - the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

- Well, doc, 25 years ago...

- Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.

- Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said:

- No, everything is fine.

- Are you sure - she asked.

- I'm sure - I said.

- Isn't there anything I can do for you??? - she wanted to know.

- I reckon not - I replied.

- Excuse me - said the doctor.

- What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!?

- Well, this morning - the farmhand explained.

- when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!

This male prostitute contracted syphilis.

He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.

Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says:

- Stick it through that curtain.

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

- That's not a foot! - screams the nurse on duty.

- Holy shit, lady! - the drunk exclaims.

- I never knew you had a minimum!

What should you give a man who has everything?
→ Penicillin

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.

Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, he explained:

- Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!

- Now wait a minute, professor - interrupted a student.

- Castration? That's absurd!

- Yes young man, it's sadly true - replied the professor smugly.

- Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!

A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was touring a latex glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves. One person would stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat of cooling water, then dip his hand in it to solidify the latex. The glove was then thrown in a finished products box. The dentist's patient was disgusted by the lack of care taken in making the gloves sanitary. Wanting to keep all the patients he could, the dentist didn't mention how they made condoms.

What's the definition of bravery?
→ A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!