Dirty Jokes — best jokes

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said.

As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.

- So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?

- Well, - said the doctor.

- my wife is right, a beard would suit me.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.

Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman:

- Do you know what I'm doing?

- Yes, - she says.

- you're checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical abnormalities.

- That's right, - says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts.

- Do you know what I'm doing now? - he asks.

- Yes, - says the woman.

- you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer.

- That's right, - replies the doctor.

He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her:

- Do you know what I'm doing now?

- Yes, - she says.

- You're getting herpes.

A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.

- Doctor, Doctor, - she called.

- I saw some movement!

The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.

- Well this is good news, - said the Doctor.

- I think we should call her husband and let him know.

Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction.

- I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex, - he said.

The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.

- Oops, - he said.

- I think I choked her.

A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.

The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered:

- When I get out of here I going to ba a tennis pro.

The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballs everywhere. When asked why he said:

- When I get out of here I going to be a professional baseball player.

The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things, until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in the middle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanut on the end of his penis. The student asked:

- I understand about the others, but what are you going to be when you get out of here?

- They're never going to let me out of here, - the patient said.

- I'm f**king nuts!

- Doctor, - the embarrassed man said.

- I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

- Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.

- Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas, - the medic said.

- Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.

The doctor took the husband aside.

- You're in perfect health, - he said.

- Your wife didn't give me an erection either.

Why do doctors slap babies when they are born?
→ To knock the penises off the smart ones.

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.

- I tried to be an actress and failed - she complained.

- I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too.

The shrink thought for a moment and said...:

- Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says...:

- Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!

- Kiss me doctor!

- I can't as we doctors have an ethics standard that does not allow us to kiss our patients, in fact, I really shouldn't be fucking you.

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem.

After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

- Doctor: It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering.

- Patient: Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo? (Doctor what can I do?)

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.

The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it.

The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

- Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says:

- I dddoonnn?t ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble.

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.

When the third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says:

- All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders:

- I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor.