Dirty Jokes — best jokes

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him:

- Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said:

- What's that board for?

The trader said:

- Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this.

They said:

- No way! We've sworn off women for life!

The trader said:

- Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.

- Okay - they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said:

- Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.

The trader said:

- Weren't you in here last year with a partner?

- Yeah - said the guy.

- Where is he? - asked the trader.

- I shot him - said the guy.

- Why?

- I caught him in bed with my board.

Why did God give men larger brains than dogs?
→ So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex?
→ Because he's plugged into a woman!

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
→ A half-hour of begging.

A guy says:

- I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.

- Yeah what happened? - asked the other.

The first guy replies:

- Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.

There was three guys, one with a rubber dick, one with a wooden dick, and one with a nine foot dick.

The guy with the rubber dick couldn't have sex because it wasn't hard.

The guy with the wooden dick couldn't have sex because the other person would get splinters. Finally, the third guy with a nine foot dick says:

- See that girl over there? Bam. Got her.

Why can't a man eat like a bird?
→ Have you ever tried to pick up food with your pecker?

Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
→ Because women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.

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- Round of drinks: $23.00

- Table dance: $30.00

- Another round of drinks: $23.00

- Couch dance and tips: $50.00

- A round of shots: $34.00

- A Bottle of Dom and a Limo home: 125.00

- Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00

- Sending her on her way and never having to hear her complain: Priceless

For everthing else.... There's MasterCard

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

- How do you account for this? - he asked the brothers.

- It's hereditary, sir - the older one replied.

- I see - said the doctor, writing in his file.

- Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?

- No sir, our mother.

- Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!

- I know, sir - replied the recruit, but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.