Dirty Jokes — best jokes

A little girl was walking along a beach in California when she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals.

The little girl said:

- What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?

The man said:

- Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!

The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.

Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain.

- Where the hell am I?

A doctor replied:

- Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency help, so we rushed you right over.

- Well, what the hell happened to me?

- We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happening to you today?

The man said:

- Well, there was a little girl bugging me just before I fell asleep.

The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was still there, and she was. The person said:

- Do you know what happened to that nice man you saw here earlier?

- Well - the little girl said.

- I started to play with that nice little bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck, broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!

A young man fell in a pit one day, and found a magic lamp with a genie inside of it. The genie said, 'I will grant you three wishes.' The man's first wish was to get out of the pit. POOF He was instantly transported out. He then wished for all the gold in the world. POOF The genie gave him all the gold nuggets in the world, all the gold bars, all the gold pebbles, etc. The man could not think of anything for his third wish, so he went out for a ride in his Ferrari. He turned on the radio, and after a few minutes, his favorite song came on. He decided to sing along: 'Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner...'

Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise ship that sank in the Bermuda Triangle. They made it to an uninhabited island.

Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamed of what she was doing.

Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamed of what they were doing.

Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up again--being so ashamed of what they were doing.

- How did it happen? - the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

- Well, doc, 25 years ago ...

- Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.

- Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said no, everything is fine.

- Are you sure? - she asked.

- I'm sure - I said.

- Isn't there anything I can do for you? - she wanted to know.

- I reckon not - I replied ...

- Excuse me - said the doctor.

- What does this story have to do with your leg?

- Well, this morning - the farmhand explained.

- when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "don't worry, ya," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping." Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

Fred goes to a doctor and says:

- Doc, I want to be castrated.

Doc says:

- Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation.

- Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it? - Fred

Doc says:

- Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK.

He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up.

- Well, Doc, how'd it go? - Fred asks.

- It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my...

- CIRCUMCISED! - yells Fred.

- THAT'S the word!!!

This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desires rise to a fever pitch.

He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says:

- I hope you don't mind but I'm busting to have a piss

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies:

- OK why don't you go behind these bushes

She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes.

As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.

Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror:

- My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!

- No - she replies.

- I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead.

The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club.

- Hey, baby, would you help me 'raise my mast'?

- No thanks - she said sweetly.

- I heard about you from your ex and she included a 'small craft' warning.

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said:

- Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?

She said:

- Do you like sex?

I said:

- Of course I like sex.

She said:

- Do you like to travel?

I said:

- Yeah, I love to travel.

She said:

- Then fuck off.

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says:

- Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says:

- Mirror mirror on the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!

Again, there's a bright flash and both his legs fall off.