Dirty Jokes — best jokes

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side.

- But - said the duffer - since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'.

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.

And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

- What happened? - asked one of the members.

- Well - said the pro - I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?

A man walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and says to the barman:

- cor! I've just had my first blow-job and it was great! -- I'll have a large whiskey please, barman.

The man takes his whiskey and downs it.

- Same again? - asks the barman.

- Okay - says the man and downs the second.

He then orders a third and a forth and downs them both.

In fact in total he downs 27 whiskeys.

- Do you want another? - asks the barman.

- No I don't think so - says the man:

- If 27 whiskeys won't take away the taste I don't think that another one will!

TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269

Dear John Doe,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.

Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy and wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by chance we decide that there is a market for micro-mini condoms.

We send greetings and our deepest sympathy.

Yours very truly,
Burley Dick, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.

VD/abcP.

P.S. Remember our slogans:

Cover your stump before you hump.

Don't be silly, protect your Willie.

Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!

This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks:

- Whats a failic symbol?

Doctor says:

- You're kidding..

Girl says:

- No! I don't know! Whats a failic symbol???

Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says:

- You see? This is a failic symbol!

Girl says:

- Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are.

- Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life - he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.

She tells this to her mother, who replies:

- Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?

What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?
→ He gets taller!!

How are lawyers like sperm?
→ One out of a million turns out to be a human being.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. - Doctor - she asks nervously - can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?

- Certainly - replies the doctor - Where do you think lawyers come from?

An older woman was in the pastoral study counceling for her upcoming fourth wedding.

- Father - she said - How am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?

- My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be - he replied.

- Well Father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk. The next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look at it. But this time, Father, I'm marrying a lawyer, so I'm sure I'm going to get screwed this time!

TOP 10 McGreevey jokes....

10. NJ state bird - swallow.
11. New Jersey Turnpike renamed Hershey Highway.
12. NJ raises terror alert level to lavender.
13. We know he didn't like bush, but this is ridiculous.
14. Now we know why McGreevey enjoyed "polling" so much.
15. What does McGreevey and the Israeli navy have in common? Jewish seamen.
16. NJ DMV now calls rear-end accidents a "mcgreevey".
17. Gives new meaning to "stuffing the ballot box".
18. Post headline: "McGreevey goes down!"
19. It shouldn't take McGreevey long to get out of the governor's mansion - he's already got all his schitt packed!