Dirty Jokes — best jokes

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

She yells:

- What the hell do you guys think you are doing?

One of the Japanese men explains:

- Can't you see? We are all berry hungry.

The waitress begs the question:

- So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?

One of the other Japanese men replies:

- The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!

All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.

- The weddin's off - he shouted. - Everybody bugger off!

Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer. One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him.

- What's the problem? - he asked.

- Someone stole a keg of beer, and some bastard fucked the bride! - exclaimed the father.

The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers.

A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled:

- All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!

As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked:

- What happened to make you change your mind?

Grinning sheepishly, he replied:

- Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg of beer.

What do they call condoms in Germany?
→ Weinerhosen

Australia.

Where men are real men
And sheep are scared shitless
And where the term 'Going Down Under' means something entirely different

This aussie caught this Kiwi having a bit of fun with a sheep.....

- Mate - the aussie said.

- Over there we shear them

The kiwi replied:

- Mate, I'm not shearing this with innyone

What do you call a Highlander with four sheep?
→ A pimp

A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about the way of life there.

- Reporter: Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering material for a documentary about the way of life in the remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you?

- Scotsman: Certainly...

- Reporter: Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name?

- Scotsman: Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't. You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I built more than half of them myself, but do they call me Donald the Croftbuilder? No, they don't. And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No, they don't. But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep ....

What's brown and has holes in it?
→ Swiss Shit.

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.

- What's so funny? - the bartender asked.

- That damned Pete! - the drunk chortled - He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman.

- Hi - he said - I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?

- Get lost - she remarked - I am Lesbian.

- Oh, really? - he asked - How are things in Beiruit?