Dirty Jokes — best jokes

A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner!

Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone to gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After he finishes the disgusted bartender says:

- Why in the hell did you shit on my bar?

The drunk replies:

- Even Elvis had to clear his throat!

Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his buddy and says "I gotta go use the can." So he wonders off to the bathroom and is gone for 5 ... 10... 20 minutes. Well his friend gets pissed off and goes in to get him. He finds him in there and asks "What the hell are you doing?" The first drunk repies "Everytime I flush, something reaches up and grabs my balls." The second drunk looks at him and says "Well ya dumbass, you sittin on the mop bucket"

A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says:

- Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass.

The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin:

- You know, you're right!

What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic?
→ Snap-on tools!

Why should we feel bad for the gay homeless population?
→ None of them have closets to come out of.

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers:

- I can lick any man in the place!

The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says:

- Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.

- Can I see it? - asked the second gay homosexual, so he promptly dropped his pants to show off his cock.

- Oooh - squealed his friend:

- You look ten years younger!

Two British faggots were standing on Circular Quay looking out over the harbour. One of them pointed to a ferry and asked:

- Elton, what's that?

- That's a ferry-boat, George my love - answered Elton.

- Oooh! - Squealed George:

- I knew there was a lot of us, but I didn't know we had our own navy!

What's the difference between a whale and a dyke?
→ Oh, about ten pounds, and a plaid shirt.

What do you call two guys in a sleepping bag?
→ A gay time....