Dirty Jokes — best jokes

How is a blonde like a frying pan?
→ You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
→ So she can have a doggie bag for later.

One day a man went hunting for ducks. When he was done he was going to his Chevy and he got a vist from The Game Warden.

The Warden said:

- Hey Sir, what ya huntin?

The man said:

- Ducks.

The Warden said:

- Did ya have any luck?

He said:

- Got 3.

The Warden said:

- Let Me see them.

The Warden stuck his finger up the ducks butt, smelled it and said:

- This duck is from Ohio, do you have a stamp for it?

The Man gave him the stamp.

The Warden picked up the 2nd duck did the same thing and said:

- Kentuky duck, got a stamp?

The man gave him the stamp.

The Warden did the same thing with the last duck and said:

- Canada duck. Stamp?

The man gave him the stamp.

Then the Warden said:

- Where you from anyway?

The man pulled down his pants and said:

- You're the expert, you tell me!

Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His work mates were understandably curious:

- Jack, what happened to you?!?

- It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the ass of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!

- Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?

- Naw... After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack -- so I tried to poke it back in.

A young man walks up and sits at the bar.

- What can I get you? - the bartender inquires.

- I want 6 shots of Jagermeister, - responded the young man.

- 6 shots! Are you celebrating something?

- Yeah, my first blow job.

- Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.

- No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will.

What did one Lesbian frog say to the other Lesbian frog?
→ You know what...we DO taste like chicken!

What does the Star Trek Enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
→ They both circle around uranus searching for klingons!

There was a reporter from the city stuck in a small mountainous town in W.Va. He decided to use the time by getting a good story to submit to his boss. He saw an old man sitting outside a local store and went over to begin the interview:

- Sir, I am writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?

The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time:

- Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys, got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep, we all took turns screwing it....my, that was fun!

The reporter couldn't write a story about that so he asked for another:

- Well, when my neighbor's wife got lost, we all gathered up and got drunk and went out to look for her. We had a good time taking turns with her when we found her, too. Damn that was a lot of fun!

The reporter was frustrated:

- Sir, I can't submit a story like that. Maybe you oughta tell me about a not so fun time you had.

- Well - the hillbilly said as he fidgited in his chair, he looked up at the reporter with a pained expression, thar was that time "I" got lost...

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man:

- from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles.

The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

- My God! - he said, where are your testicles?

- back in Vietnam! - the general replied.

One day at school, the teacher sees cuts and bruises all over little johnny's body. Worried, she asks him what happened.

He replies:

- Well, my parents are doing renovations in my room and I sleep with them. Last night, I woke and heard my father asking OK? and mom said OK so I asked OK what? So they got real angry and beat me up.

The next day, the teacher sees new cuts and bruises on little johnny's body so she asks him what happened and tells her the same thing. So she tells him not to say anything should the same thing occur tonight.

Next day at school, little johnny comes to class with a head band on his head and crutches with his face all blue and swollen.

When the teacher asks what happened, he says:

- Like you said, last night, when my dad asked OK? and mom said OK, I didn't say anything. After a while, they started moaning and groaning but still, I didn't say a thing until dad asked: did you come? and mom answered Yeah, I came and I said where were you?